Wednesday, August 27, 2008

sllab ruo kcus

How do you know we mean business?
We bought the only hockey-preview magazine on the shelves at Walden Books at SHV:

It's a fantasy-hockey magazine, but it could have been a magazine detailing players' bowel movements for all we cared.
We went in there hell-bent on buying something.
By the way, Pascal Dupuis will take 24 dumps on gamedays this season.

Projected Stats:

Crosby -- 41G, 72A, 113P
Malkin -- 46G, 54A, 100P
Gonchar -- 12G, 56A, 68P
Satan -- 25G, 41A, 66P -- 66 points, derrr
Sykora -- 25G, 38A, 63P

MAF -- 43-17-7, 2.35 GAA, .918 SV%



:: [ PSAMP ] came through with Bob Smizik: Behind The Music.
Solid read. He was genuinely interested in giving responses to the questions he was asked.

:: Back during the homestretch of the playoffs last season,
[ Atom Bomb Bikini ] came out of nowhere with these illustrated pin-up girls that made you think:

He comes now with an interesting proposition:
If you're interested in having a woman in your life featured in one his drawings?
He's willing to trade an illustration for tickets to three choice games this upcoming season.

[ E-mail him ] if your interest has been piqued.


We're later than Isaac Hayes on this, but the [ City Paper ] had something to say about Lemieux's arena tactics.
The writer mentions how Lemieux used a series of ploys that is known in mob circles as extortion.
His main beef is taxpayers getting jobbed.

We have no problem with that argument towards the new arena deal, as in, we just don't care.
But it was worth noting.


While we've taken the summer off big-time,
[ The Confluence of the Three Rivers ] has stayed the course.

He's been on fire as of late, from Q&A's with Joe Sager to actually knowing when training camp starts.

Veterans report on September 16th.

The race is on to have sex before then.
If you aren't able to achieve that goal, there's always Atom Bomb Bikini.

do it

Staying with the MVN Network of Blogs, [ Geeves ] tossed us this softball.
Some dude running a Minnesota Wild blog is ranking NHL fanbases:



Average-attendance rank doesn't factor in seating capacity. Thumbs down.
And he almost mentioned the Pens selling out every home game last season.

Observation of fan activity?
He had to have seen the droves of fans standing outside Mellon Arena watching on an outdoor screen during the playoff run.

Hold on. We're talking about confusing concepts for a Minnesota fan, such as a "playoff run."


And the online fan activity thing? What a slam.
He said he did his research. Maybe he used Lycos Search.

A quick Google search will find our site here, as well as
Not to mention the plethora of unreal Penguin blogs out there and the aforementioned Confluence blog, which is on the same Blog Network as this Wild joke.

If you check out the comments on that link we provided,
he was getting cowned (comment-owned) in the post's comments.

However, as Wilsmith mentioned in yesterday's comments,
maybe it's not the best thing to always dominate someone's comments when they job the Pens.

Then again, we aren't governing what anybody does.


Reader [ Jared E. ] came through with this piece from
[ America's Worst Cities To Be A Sports Fan ]

Pittsburgh comes in at #10.

So, it more so has to do with financial situations than the woes of the city's franchises.
Well, it is


The Pens are up again over at [ Icethetics ].
Opponent: HP Pavilion.

senp og


shawnawwwesome said...

Pascal Dupuis will take 24 dumps on gamedays this season.

As long as none of those take place on the ice.

jefe mays said...

something = joke.
someone = stunned.

tPB = all business.

The Big K said...


i was close, right?

Anthony said...

Redskins girl is smokin' hot.

God dammit, lusting over cartoons. BRING ON THE SEASON.

debrisslide said...

I guess none of these people ranking teams have ever been to southwestern Pennsylvania to see how insane 75% of the people are just because of sports. It's like a sexual compulsion.

akus said...

trats nosaes senp
htnom eno
syad thgie
sruoh neves

Go Pens!


Charlie > Pin-up

demondg1 said...

Icethetics used to be cool. But now it sucks balls with it's stupid fantasy league and shitty background image load times.

dying alive said...

The City Paper tries so desperately to be hip and relevant that I can't take anything that I read in it seriously. I'll also take the potential flaming and agree with wilsmith - the jobbing gets embarrassing sometimes. Who cares what some Minnesota blogger thinks? He's wrong and he obviously has no idea how seriously sports (and the Penguins) are taken around here. His attendance numbers are done incorrectly because they don't take seating capacity into account. Why do we even care?

P.O. said...

the company i work for was just acquired by one of our vendors for $1.6 billion dollars


canaan said...

i agree, demondg1. plus, the dude is talking about "taking a break" which in blogland means its going to end soon.

canaan said...

snep og .s.p

Andy said...

Why does the Forbes article say Pittsburgh has won zero championships? Wouldn't "last year a team won a championship" be a more pertinent stat? Plenty of cities didn't win a championsip last year, there are only four major sports titles to go around.

Lady Jaye said...

Ug, it's August... I'm allowing myself to get annoyed by some guy who knows nothing about Pens fans rank us number 14... Need training camp. Need training camp NOW.

Sam's dog said...

Wasn't it some jobber from Forbes that predicted the Rangers would roll over the Pens in the playoffs while using a bunch of irrelevant, incorrect facts and misspelling Wayne Gretzky's name. They really need to stick to business and stay away from commenting on sports.

Robert Ullman said...

Thanks, fellas!

That guy from Forbes is obviously an's like writing and article about the stock market using meteorological data. Well, what do you expect from a magazine targeted to rich assholes? For them, it's "yeah, it's nice my team won and all, but at the end of the day, all I care about is making money". People like that will never understand what it is to be a fan.

Only slightly more idiotic is that toad sitting in his basement in St. Paul. Why bother, dude? Wait, I know:

Controversy = 1000's of hits


1000's of hits = everyone in North America now knows you're a friendless douche

dying alive said...

1000's of hits = everyone in North America now knows you're a friendless douche

tPB has to be in the millions of hits by now. Ha!

jared said...

I emailed the guy who wrote the article in Forbes and jobbed him pretty good. His statistics are based ONLY on the 2007-2008 season, which makes 0 statistical sense what so ever to have one season represent a city's overall sports appeal/talent.

His response to my jobbing him:
"I think there are countless ways to look at such things...this is just one of them. Hopefully people will see it that way and not take it all that seriously."

too late to think people won't take it seriously, ass clown

On another note, I think "Taffe" should be used as a verb from here on out.

"I went to a bar, got drunk brought some girl back to my apartment and Taffed the shit out of her."

"What are you Taffeing tonight?"

"I was Taffeing to work this morning and saw a nasty accident dahn na parkway"


Jared E

Robert Ullman said...

That guy who wrote the Forbes piece is disingenuous at best. "People shouldn't take it too seriously" is the clarion call of someone who knows their hypothesis is bullshit. If he'd called his puff piece "Worst Cities for Sports Fans Using Irrelevant and Inappropriate Financial Data" he might be able to make that claim.


P.O. said...

theres some cougar walking around my office i wouldnt mind taffeing

pensblog really taffed up that recap from last nights game

big ben taffed up the game with a fourth quarter interception

i like it

Chubs said...

"So then I totally Taffed all over her Dupuis"

This is a verb I can support.

P.O. said...

Listen to Pirates reliever Craig Hansen, asked how he walked three in a row in the eighth inning to blow a lead ...

"I couldn't throw a taffeing strike," he said at his stall, eyes flaring. "When you can't throw a taffeing strike, you can't get anyone out."

jared said...


I agree. You shouldn't be a journalist for an organized publication like that and write to "not be taken seriously," unless you work for The Onion, I suppose that's the exception to the rule.

His email is if you want to job him as well. Oh, and if you find his bio on, remember to compliment him on the tie he's taffeing in his picture, its pretty sweet.

Robert Ullman said...

Taffe him and his tie.

Sam's dog said...

" His statistics are based ONLY on the 2007-2008 season"

So with that as criteria there can be only 4 teams/ cities of any redeeming value.

New Jersey (not a city)= Giants
Detroit = Wings
Boston = douche sox
Boston = douche celtics

Allow conference titles and you get some other, but basically unless your from Boston you may as well jump in the river and drown. Personally if I had to be from Boston I would jump in the river drown. Also considering the ridiculous AlGorethim they used, Detroit would be eliminated too, as we saw that hardly any Wings fans can actually afford tickets to see their team win a championship.

If there was ever to be an Atom Bomb Bikini die cut it would be on my snowboard yesterday!

dying alive said...

I like Boston. It's a fun city. Their sports fans are fucking lunatics, though, and I don't mean that as a compliment.

Robert Ullman said...

@ Sam's Dog

Please excuse my shameless self-promotion.

P.O. said...

taffe boston

Tony said...

Hey fellas,
Here's what I put in that Wild comments (although somehow my comments on MVN always go to the spam folder)...

14. Pittsburgh Penguins

~ Observation of fan activity online & blogs ~ 5 out of 10

Thanks for the kick in the nuts Derek....

The Confluence of the Three Rivers

J.S. said...

wait, the Pens "tried to keep the buzz going by offering discounts for those who showed their Student ID, and for the most part the arena was full"?

Student Rush has been around for at least 10 years. I could be wrong, but wasn't there a limited amount of S-R tickets? Which tells me that they didn't need to do it, but did it as a thank you of sorts to the fans. A

And what does he mean for the most part the arena was full? There has been a sellout streak going back to 2006, maybe early 2007.

Somebody should tell this guy that it helps if you research the subject that you're writing on prior to publishing, otherwise you'll end up looking like a clueless tool.

Frenetik MHz said...

Forbes magazine should just stay out of sports.

They also did something about the best fans or whatev and pittsburgh didnt make the top 10.

Forbes = Joke.

dying alive said...

Yes, they kept 200 seats last season for student rush as a thank you to the fans, which I'm pretty sure were distributed by text lottery system. They certainly didn't have to do it because the games were sellouts well in advance, but the Penguins know how to treat their fans. Of course, there was also no mention of the fact that the Pens had to stop selling season tickets and now have a waiting list with well over 2000 people on it. Or that they had to set up a screen outside of Mellon during the playoffs because so many people wanted tickets but couldn't get them. Or that there is a sellout streak going back two seasons. Or that attendance was low in previous years because financial problems had the Pens putting the equivalent of a mediocre AHL team on the ice every night. Or that Mellon Arena has the smallest seating capacity in the league, which is the ONLY reason they could possibly rank 17th in attendance unless there are 16 other arenas in the league which were larger and had every game as a sellout.

The guy clearly has no idea what he's talking about, which is why I can't even be bothered to make a polite post over there correcting him.

dying alive said...

Also, I won't even bother reading the rest of his rankings. The Wild will almost certainly be #1, and why not? With a fast-paced and exciting team like that, I'm sure that their arena is rocking every night.

J.S. said...

should I mention that thepensblog hit count is in the millions, like closer to 1.5 million?

37 1465510 hits

TPB is about 30k hits from 36th, which will probably be passed once the Pens hit Sweden, maybe even sooner.

Blogs that they're passed on their way to #36:

Mexicantaint, virginslut, 2 underwearblogs, and gaylab (which I'm guessing is run by Charlie)

Brett said...


"Taffer" (the "a" sounds like the "a" in "apple") was coined by the developers of the Thief: The Dark Project computer game. If you call someone a Taffer, you mean to call him a mischief-maker, a thorn-in-your-side, etc. you can also use it as a verb in place of loitering or putzing -- "I was taffin around the docks last night and the cops told me to keep movin"

Maria said...

Those pin up girls are creepy. If my boyfriend even thought about asking that guy to draw me I would punch him in the balls and then find Mario and let him Lem-use me.

dying alive said...

I think they're cute, but I would have to politely decline being featured in one. Call it one of my few feminist stances.

shawnawwwesome said...

I got a feminist stance for ya, right here.

(Does that make sense? No, but said with the right accent it provokes just the same.)

MadScientist said...

My faculty training course tonight: do not taffe your students. If you must taffe a student, wait until final grades are turned in. Taffeing of students is somewhat OK if you are in a non-supervisory role with those students.

Agreed that the pin-ups are creepy, a little on the side of Stepford Wife creepy.

jared said...

@ Brett. the makers of that game couldn't even begin to comprehend what Jeff Taffe would do to this world when his last name was used as a verb.

I assure you I'm not taffeing anyone's jokes.

Hip said...

Considering not a day goes by where I don't get up all in people's personal bowel movement habits now... I found that shit to be utterly hysterical! Maybe I could do an insiders report on that with Potash this year. It's not a stretch to think that constipation or diarrhea would directly affect your play. This could be ground breaking.

dying alive said...

No, but said with the right accent it provokes just the same.

I remain strangely unprovoked.

shawnawwwesome said...

I suck at accents.

In other news, why was this backward post put out there at 6:49PM Tuesday, but yet the handsome first commenter didn't show up until this morning?

crmzak said...

In the last post, someone asked about tickets for Bruins home opener. We've used StubHub in the past and had no problems, got great seats. Already have my tickets to the 10/20 game.

Also, worth noting, the Pats have the Monday night game that same day, so the place should be dead. Your crew should hit up Boston together instead of Chicago.

Dan said...

cartoon fetish a bit?

my fries are cold :(

RedWings said...

Alright, I don't have a dog in this fight (yet) but I've gotta agree that the Wild blogger is grossly in error.

If this Einstein watched any playoff hockey, or visited tpb, he'd have to re-think his Penguin rating. Mellon was as loud this year as any arena I've heard, and that includes Edmonton with their sellout crowds belting out "Oh Canada".

It reminds me of back in the day, (pre-lockout, before we had an idiot Canadian Governor and a felonious City Mayor who have done EVERYTHING in their power to ruin Michigan's economy and force massive exodus from the state) when going to a Wings game was a deafening experience and the playoffs were off the richter scale. While Detroit has fallen off (see above imbecilic politicians) Pittsburgh and Edmonton, to me, are the two loudest and most supportive venues I've experienced in recent seasons.

This Wild blogger is burning his own credibility.

BlacknGold66 said...

"fan activity online & blogs"


@Jared: Solid idea.

Back in the day my buddies and I would do the same with certain names:

"Man, I went to Malloy's last night and drank so hard that I was completely Slegr'ed by 10pm!"

"I finally got a chance to Beukeboom that girl I was telling you guys about..."

"My boss expects me to stay until 6 but I'm going to Boughner out of here at 4:30."

Dan said...

pascal dupuis took 24 dumps on that wild blogger

strakasguitar said...

hooo man

you know hockey season's a'coming when TPB is flexing the ol' jobbermuscles again.

ABB = grrrrrr

sexymexyjeffy said...

"Average-attendance rank"

that also doesn't take into account the attendance boost the pens give other cities when we sell out their buildings ;)

go pens

Victor Raison said...

Good point sexymexy.

Also, did Charlie make this last post?

senp og = go pnes

Brett said...

I can totally get on the Boston home opener idea. The rail from the NY metro area goes right to there.

P.O. said...

i cant wait to get the taffe out of the office today

lis said...

Does anyone know the company that makes the towels they give out during the playoffs? I'm doing some research for another project I'm working on and it might include those type of towels.

Victor Raison said...

lis - I believe the company is called "Tynacorp"

But I could be wrong.

I Have Kasparaitis said...

Lis, my towel's tag says McArthur, but I'm not sure they print it ...

shawnawwwesome said...

The towel I have was provided by Dick's Sporting Goods, and the tag also says it was manufactured by McArthur. All cotton, baby.

Vern said...

Anyone who thinks that Pittsburgh is a terrible place to be a sports fan is an idiot and can lick my Balsillies.

P.O. said...

if anyone cares, joe sakic is playing atleast one more year in colorado.. signed a 1 year deal

J.S. said...

that's good, I always liked Sakic. He kept his "will he or won't be" decision within the Colorado offices, and even informed them prior to the season ending.

When it comes to retirement, I wish more players would act like Joe, NHL or otherwise. I'm looking at you, Mats Sundin. Are you hearing me, Brett Favre?

akus said...

My one & only post on midgets, but not the last one on Penguins.

Six of the seven dwarfs are sitting around the house one day when Sleepy rushes in and says, "Guess what guys, I've won a trip to see the Pope!"

Everyone gets all excited and chants, "We finally get to ask him, we finally get to ask him."

The next day, they are standing in front of the Pope, Dopey out in front of the other six. All the other six start pushing Dopey and saying, "Go ahead, Dopey, ask him,ask him!"

The Pope looks at Dopey and asks, "Do you have a question to ask me, young man?"

Dopey looks up shyly and says, "Well, yes." The Pope tells him to go ahead and ask.

Dopey asks, "Well, they have nuns in Alaska?"

The Pope replies,"Well, yes, I'm sure we have nuns in Alaska." The others all keep nudging Dopey and chanting, "Ask him the rest, Dopey, ask him the rest!"

The Pope asks Dopey if there's more to his question, and Dopey continues, "Well, uh, do they have, uh, black nuns in Alaska?"

To which the Pope replies, "Well, my son, I think there must be a few black nuns in Alaska, yes."

Still not satisfied, the others keep saying, "Ask him the last part, Dopey, ask him the last part!"

The Pope asks Dopey, "Is there still more to your question?"

To which Dopey replies, "Well, uh, yeah..... are there, uh, are there any midget black nuns in Alaska?"

The startled Pope replies, "Well, no, my son, I really don't think there are any midget black nuns in Alaska."

At this, Dopey turns all kinds of colors, and the others start laughing, and yelling, "Dopey fucked a penguin, Dopey fucked a penguin!"

lis said...

Thanks for your help with the towels...I think I found what I'm looking for!!!

DrunkArmyFan said...

Akus that just made my day.

This was also nice to see.

Raybin said...

Using Ric Flair to punctuate a dig just taken at some jobber is one of the many, many reasons I love this site.

J.S. said...

LOL @ wiki edits

I knew Chelios was old, but damn.

just in case they edit

akus said...

LOL, the jobbing on Wiki...

@drunkarmyfan & js.
Now that made my day.

Funny shit.

Rage said...

@raybin-Ric Flair originally hails from Minnesota, if I am not mistaken, just to add insult to injury.


My embarrassment at knowing that bit of trivia= -1

Maria said...

Hah I'm loving the Wiki jobbing.

Rage said...

@akus-Pope Benny called...wants his joke back! lolz...let's go run!

akus said...

This is the last one on Penguin jokes:

So there's a penguin driving through the desert and its hot.... really hot. The penguin drives for several hours through the scorching desert until his car breaks down.

The penguin pulls out his cell phone and calls a local auto shop. The mechanic brings the tow truck to the penguins car, picks him up and takes him and his car back to the auto shop.

When they arrive the mechanic says "It's going to take me a few hours to fix your car, why don't you walk around town and entertain yourself for awhile."

The penguin leaves the auto shop and as he walks out the door notices an ice cream shop... "a little taste of home" he thinks to himself.

The penguin walks over to the ice cream shop and orders his favorite frozen treat... vanilla ice cream. He sits down at a table and goes to town on his vanilla ice cream, making a huge mess and getting ice cream all over himself. He finishes his ice cream and heads back to the auto shop.

When he arrives the mechanic comes out and says "Well sir, its looks like you blew a seal" to which the penguin replies "Oh no, its just ice cream"

Badda Bing, Badda Boom.

KaylaJ said...

i like how the wings got a pardon in their attendance because of their economy (which as redwings stated is a problem thanks to politicians), but yet no one else does. however my favorite line was: "but Flyers fans are loud and intense even when the team is not doing so well." yeah, you could really hear them cry when their team was losing game 3. and if "fan blogging" means excuses (collect them all>)then more power to them

and on the forbes thing, yeah they're looking at economics of the city vs ticket price, but like someone else said, what's up with the championship thing? it would make more sense to say "last year they sucked and they're on track to suck again", in maybe some other words

akus said...


Let's go run..

C`mon, You know You laughed at the joke(s).

chili & corn muffins.
I know it's August, but it feels like September.
Night temps have been in the lower 50's and the leaves are turning.

Hockey is in the air.

Dan said...

the wings get a pardon in attendance because they are lame. good charlotte also has a problem drawing fans because they are lame. the moral of the story?

friends don't let friends listen to good charlotte.

KaylaJ said...

isn't good charlotte the band more known cause who its members are dating than their music?

akus said...

Minnesota Wild

~ Average Attendance rank ~ 10th in the NHL

~ Observation of fan activity ~ 9 out of 10

~ Observation of fan activity online & blogs ~ 10 out of 10

There is perhaps no other area in the United States that is as passionate about hockey in general as Minnesota is and the fanbase is dynamic and incredibly loyal. The team has been amongst the league leaders in terms of merchandise sold and in many ways the Wild have been the model franchise in terms of fan atmosphere and marketing. Online the Wild have a tremendous presence including many different blogs and message boards which pour over all aspects of the organization. The 100+ year tradition of hockey was rather tactfully marketed by the team calling it the “State of Hockey” and that is a reflection of its incredibly knowledgeable fanbase which is on a level that you would normally find in Canada.


I am so sorrry, i did promise no more, JOKES .

Habs were #1 btw.

Dan said...

i dunno, i just really hate good charlotte

Rage said...

Yeah...and I hate the f'ing Habs...and a cheesy suckass of a Minnesota self-congratulatory blogger

Rage said...

....AND Good Charlotte....

KaylaJ said...

i don't like how habs fans sing ole

J.S. said...

but rage, he was also so embarrassed to be from Minnesota that he changed his name from Fliehr to Flair


J.S. said...

The Habs need to bring back this goal song.


J.S. said...

Good Charlotte is to music as New Coke '85 was to soft drink history.

I Have Kasparaitis said...

I can't hate the Habs ... too much hockey tradition there ... I can make fun of their fans and some players, but I have respect for the team's history. Let's not forget Kovalev is there, and I can't hate Kovi. No, never, never.

fleuryous said...

Speaking of fan insanity...did they take into consideration the Oakland MADNESS that ensued after the Steeler's victory in Superbowl XL???

That's pretty standard, I guess. What's a few cars? haha.

And eff the haters...they just want in Sid's pants.

And how the hell did Good Charlotte get into this?

akus said...

Is it a coincidence that, The Nature Boy, lives in Charlotte .

KaylaJ said...

yeah, habs history=cool, ole song=bad!

Dan said...

don't forget the gnc sign that was sacrificed in the great oakland riot.

i hate the wings and good charlotte, they both suck and are gay (no offense if you see this redwings). they go hand in hand.

Joose said...

I'm hungry. I could go for some cotton candy from the Cotton Candy Man.

Whenever we attend Gameblog 1.0, we should ALL order some cotton candy.

RedWings said...

Dan said...
don't forget the gnc sign that was sacrificed in the great oakland riot.

i hate the wings and good charlotte, they both suck and are gay (no offense if you see this redwings). they go hand in hand.

8/27/2008 8:02 PM

No offense taken, Dan. Ya need some good hate for a good rivalry.

J.S. said...

your random link of the day:

profanity count, including a cameo from Ed Harris

jefe mays said...

¡OlĂ©! by The Bouncing Souls is awesome.

and so is Crystal Pepsi.

KaylaJ said...

crystal gravy was better

KaylaJ said...

time for the almost nightly episode of south park!

Guy Germaine said...

"Whatcha gonna do when the NWO runs all over you, brothah?"

fleuryous said...

Oh, NWO.

That group had more members every week than Hugh Hefner's bedroom.

Guy Germaine said...

@ Fleuryous

Remember the time there were two Stings?!? The real one and the bogus Sting? Those sure were different times.

J.S. said...

Yankees down 11-2 bottom of the 8th.

Suck it New York. Suck it long, suck it hard.* At least the Pirates have an excuse for not making the playoffs.

correction 11-3

* - don't worry, it's work safe

akus said...

Random question without an answer ( found it on a Baby Pens Blog)

The last time the Penguins opened the season overseas, they took three goalies to Japan for the 2000 opener against Nashville.

Name the three.

fleuryous said...

Winken, Blinken, and Nod.

akus said...

And we have a winnnnnnnnnnnnner!!

LOL @ fleuryous.

Coulda been Moe, Larry & Curly.

jefe mays said...

why cant i not be sober?

fleuryous said...

Dude, I loved that book when I was little.

Oh, the wooden shoe...

KaylaJ said...

one has to be aubin or snow, or both? i just remember hrdina had like a goal in each game

akus said...


I will leave you with this.
Look in the comments.


`night bloggers.
One day closer to camp!!

J.S. said...

I remember Aubin being in the poster for the game. Skudra I think was there as a #3.

I'm stumped on the last one. Was Barrasso still here or was he traded that year before? Moose? Snow?

kamechiha said...


What do I win, if I have sex before all of you fools...


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