Saturday, March 31, 2007



The only thing more desperate than the Maple Leafs tonight are American Idol producers hoping Ted Nolan's gay son doesn't win.


The Leafs, on the outside looking in of the Eastern Conference playoffs, were coming hard from the opening faceoff.

A really tough task for T-bo who got the nod tonight.
First trip down the ice the Leafs almost knock one home, but somehow the puck stays out.

Two minutes later, the Pens aren't that lucky. Mark Eaton lays out to block a shot. The puck bounces around. T-Bo tries, no dice.
Alain Nasreddine apparently forgot how to play hockey while sitting out.
Chad Kilger puts it in a empty net.

The Pens respond however as Army runs over some leaf jobber.

Army lining up a leaf
The Maple Leafs lose control of themselves and take a penalty.
And you know what that means:

An all new episode of Mr. Roberts Neighborhood.
On this episode Gonch gets the puck at the point. Roberts taps his stick on the ice, Gonch shoots. And kids, Mr. Roberts doesn't miss deflections.

The Leafs and Pens trade some scoring chances.
Staal almost gets a breakaway but gets pulled down.

Toronto is a joke.
The Penguins can't get anything going on the Power Play.
And the Leafs take advantage of the momentum swing.
They cycle hard, the Pens look lost.
Some jerkoff scores.


Just before the end of the first the Leafs tackle Malkin.
At least they will get a power play at the start of the second.


Three things about the second period.

1. The Leafs were dominating
2.The Refs clearly were trying to play into the Leafs Dominating.
3. If you forgot how big of assholes the Leafs, at least you remember.

It all started off simple enough, with the Pens on the power play.
They could not get anything going and it was all downhill from there.

Alain Nasreddine just aimlessly drifts in front of T-Bo.

Next up Brooks Orpik has a tough four minutes.
He gets called for hooking a Leaf.
Very Phantom call.

After the game the Phantom of the Opera said he never saw any penalty on Orpik.

The Leafs at this point can do no wrong.
They play with the Penguins minds.
Sundin smokes one
Byrant Mccabe puts it home

Picture: Mats Sundin and his teammates prepare for a game of spin the bottle.
Fact: Gays Joke are back jack
What a nightmare.
Leafs fans are having fun.
Everyone is laughing.
Slapping hands.
You know who is not having fun?

All the baby seals the Maple Leaf fans kill.
Lord Therrien saw enough.
He pulls T-Bo.
But unless T-bo was purposely telling Alain Nasreddine to not play defense it is kind of hard to believe that this was T-Bo's fault.

Mark Eaton, stunned

It just looked like one of those games that Pens had no chance.
Even the Fat Lady has started to warm up.

Hal Gill's wife doubles as anthem singer/ freak of nature

But if you have watched all season, you just knew it wasn't over.

Cue Gonch hitting Max with a nice breakout pass, he gets knocked down.. Ouellet gets the puck. Max gets up.
Ouellet with a non-jobber pass, sick

A little hope going into the third.


If the second period was frustrating, the third period was uplifting.
The pens completely owned the entire period, sans a Maple Leaf Powerplay.
MAF was solid, and the Pens kept pushing.

But Raycroft was out of his mind.
It felt like the nothing was going to get past him.

But not so fast.
The wizard of Croz scores a jobber goal in front, after Whitney gets it to the net.

The quick kick of the puck from his skate to his stick in 3 nano seconds, is why Crosby is a big deal.

But the refs get worried and call a penalty on Melichar with four minutes to play.

The Pens kill it.

The teams job around, and all of sudden there is one minute to play.
Maf gets pulled.
Empty net.
Leafs get it.
Pens turn it over.
Leafs get it.

One last dance, Rex flips it into the corner.
Gary Roberts is faster than a speeding bullet

He beats Bryant McCabe's ass, and gets the puck to Recchi.
Recchi to Gonch.

Gonch to Whitney

four seconds left.
Its been that kind of year.

But now it just gets wierd.
After the four seconds roll off the clock to end regulation and the teams are ready for OT. There is a delay.
A fan apparently collasped after the Penguins tied the game.
Turns out he had a heart attack.

And by all accounts he was in trouble.
We would make a joke.....
It was probably Mats Sundin dad.

So after they pulled the lifeless body out of the stands, we go to OT.
Crosby puts on his pumps, and is flying around.
They can't score though.
MAF does all he can, but the Leafs win a faceoff.
Puck gets deflected

  • Croz: 1G
  • Malkin: 1A
  • Gonchar: 2A
  • Whitney: 1G
  • Fleury: 5IP of relief, 0 runs,4 hits, 4 k's
  • Shots: Pit (36)---Tor (37)

  • We'll take the point
  • Still cannot believe someone collasped before OT.
  • Nas has got to go.
  • Staal play a lights out defensive game.
  • First Place is only for a while
  • Errey was pissed at the officals
  • Leafs are gay

American Idol---Schiff
Superroberts--Klye Jackson

Playoff Goals Trailer #2

We are putting the final pieces together for the Penguins playoff goals of 1991 and 1992.
The entire tape runs about 1 hour and 40 minutes, so we are breaking it down into a few parts.
But since it's a boring saturday...

Here is the second trailer.
Excuse the quality.
The tape is 15 years old.

Go Pens.

In relation to playoff memories, we have a delectable post coming Sunday night.

Friday Night Posts

Say what you will.
But the battle for the Atlantic Division is going to be remembered by who choked.
You can just feel it.

The Devils played the hapless Flyers.
Thanks to Yahoo!, the game was broadcast all over the internet so people could kill themselves.
The Flyers kept it close, but the Devils got lucky.
3-1 win. Back to first place, cracka.

Look at the ref in the stands.

... Sabres smoke the Islanders 6 - 4 ...
The Islanders are fading faster than the Aztec.

... Ottawa beats the Habs ...

... The Battle of who's gonna play the Atlantic Division champ ensues as Tampa beats Carolina ...

... Vinny Lecavalier joins the 100-point club and is first to 50 goals this season ...

What a dick.
If there wasn't a self-imposed, one-week ban on Pensblog gay jokes, we'd be all over it.

... Florida beats the Caps in the battle of the cellar dwellers ...

And the Western Conference doesn't exist until April 11.

...Some links...

"There will always be detractors and people who are jealous, but when it is all said and done Crosby will be one of the players and people in the game who will have lived up to the hype and did it in a way that made a next generation of player try to emulate him -- just like Bobby Orr, Wayne Gretzky, Mario Lemieux and Joe Sakic. We are lucky as hockey fans to be able to witness what this young man is capable of doing."

Joe Sakic -- maybe one of the most underrated players to ever play.
You can't beat him in NHL 2001.
Sakic backwards = Kick Ass.

..Gary Roberts may become a legend here before it's all said and done.

"Everyone was saying how much of a warrior he was," center Sidney Crosby said. "Now, you see it first-hand. Everybody feeds off the way he plays, the way he battles, the way he prepares."
Its too easy sometimes.


Should be a great night of hockey tomorrow.
Toronto has to win.

"We have four big points this weekend [with Toronto visiting the New York Rangers tomorrow], and we have to take them," Toronto captain Mats Sundin told reporters after a 3-2 overtime loss Thursday in Atlanta.

This does not count as a gay joke.

Go Pens.

Devils, Warrior - Schiff
Sundin - Anthony Costa

Thursday, March 29, 2007

4 - 2

It is so overstated these days, but -- back in October, if you told people that that Pittsburgh Penguins would have 100 points on March 29th -- Someone would've beat you within an inch of your life and crapped in your pet's mouth.
Good times.

But 45 seconds in, it looked like bad news. Andy Ference shoots one from the point, and Brandon Bochenski gets the rebound into an wide-open net.
1-0 Boston.

" Hey, MAF, it's cool. Let's go get drunk and have someone put the pictures on their blog to get hits. "
" Good idea, Sid. Go Pens. "

On the next shift, Armstrong gets owned into the boards.
Power play.

The big boys can't get anything going.
The second PP unit comes out ready to dominate.

Aaron Ward crushes Christensen into the boards then forgets about him.
The puck eventually finds Christensen's stick in the sweet spot in the slot.
He charges up his shot.
It was either gonna miss the net, kill goalie Tim Thomas, or go in the net.

Later in the first, the new NHL seemingly disappears.
Aaron Ward shows up again, hooking and tripping Crosby like it's his job.

Crosby fights along the boards and somehow keeps control of the puck.
Sid would be tits on American Gladiators.

Nitro was a machine.

The Pens keep coming, Christensen flips a nice lead pass to Army who backhands it top shelf. 2-1 Pens.

After a delay while jobbers fixed the ice, Lance Armstrong knocks a shot out of mid-air past MAF.

Before you knew what was going on, the Pens come flying back into the Bruins' zone.
Christensen fires another wrister past Tim Thomas.
The best part was the awkwardness felt in the arena when the Boston P.A. announcer did his post-goal "wooo!" right after Christensen scored.
Boston is a mess.

Later, Zdeno Chara, the 8th wonder of the world, trips over himself while Laraque was just chilling there.

You're black, so that's a penalty pal.
Heil, Dave Lewis.

While the Bruins are on the power play, some monkeylicker hits Colby with a high stick.

That's legal.

The rest of the first was mud other than Zdeno Chara breaking out into the parking lot and flipping over cars onto 50 Causeway St. in downtown Boston.


Before we get to the second period, we wanted to wish the Bruins and their fans good luck on the golf course this off-season.

April 8th.

As back and forth as the first period was, the second was much more controlled.
Both teams playing good defense.
Midway through the second, the Pens get called for yet another too many men on the ice penalty.

do it.

MAF is focused and doesn't let the Bruins get anything going.
Malkin comes storming out of the penalty...drops a pass to Army.
Big Ben strikes one.

Towards the end of the period, the Bruins start coming in waves.
They hit the post on consecutive shots, and almost score even after those two.
Dave Lewis no question has rallied the troops.

This was only a matter of time.
Don't be offended.
We think every ethnicity and religion sucks.

The Pens fought back though.
Malone made a nice move on a breakaway, but Thomas said no.
Just before the period ended, the Pens drew a penalty.
Nothing doing though, as Boston ace Dice-K struck out Malkin with the bases loaded to end the threat.

Dice-K strained his scrotum and didn't make it out for the third.

The third period opened with the Pens on the powerplay.
But they couldn't get anything going.
Tim Thomas woke up and actually started play halfway decent.
After killing the PP, the Bruins gained the inevitable momentum.

Michel Ouellet helped out even more, as he mistakingly shot the puck into the stands from his own zone.
But the penalty killers stood tall yet again.
Ryan Malone fielded a puck with his glove and got it out of the zone.

Gotta make that play.

The teams continued to trade scoring chances, but the goalies were up to the task.
Midway through, Joe Melichar got faceplanted into the boards, hitting his forehead on the crease of the boards on his way down.
But he got up and laughed it off.

Joe Melichar might not be that great of a defenseman.
But he is tougher than you are.

The Ruutu-Malkin-Laraque line generated some chances tonight.
Laraque led Malkin on a sweet pass, but Andy Moog says no dice whitey.

Terrible goalie.

The hard work does pay off, though, as Aaron Ward takes his 400th penalty of the game.
You could almost picture Gary Roberts drinking an I.C. Light and nodding his head in the press box.

The Pens PP looked even worse this time.
But they keep jobbin around.

Right as the penalty ends, 87 finds 71.
That was more insurance than State Farm.

He knows.

The rest of the third was Shutdown Township.
A few anxious moments -- but the Bruins melt down faster than Chernobyl and take two penalties.


  • Crusher: 2 G, 1A
  • Crosby: 3A
  • Ouellet: 2A
  • Aaron Ward's mom: One teabag.
  • Malkin: 1G
  • Fleury: 31 saves
  • Power play: Pens ( 1-5 ) -- Boston ( 0-3 )
  • Sole possession of First Place in the Atlantic Division.
  • Gotta love the Pens trying to run up the score at the end.
  • Ekman looked lost, but you never know when a guy like that has to step up in the playoffs.
  • Gary Roberts was missed.
  • Army got slugged in the eye. Guess high sticks are cool now.
  • The refs really wanted to get out of there tonight.
  • Furious work by the Pens when they had to get it done.
  • Boston sucks.

Hitler - Kevin Dobson
Chara -
saculekim13 ?

2001: A Jobber Odyssey

The morning of May 22, 2001.

The sun broke through our curtains; the smell of playoff hockey waking us up.
That's the last time we uttered the phrase: "Huge Pens playoff game tonight."
By 11:03 P.M. that evening, it was over.
An exhausting season finally wrecked by the much-hated New Jersey Devils.

"We'll be back..."

Six long years ago.
So much has changed.
Everything has changed.

Here's what we've seen since 2001:


Playoff Penguins of 2001

No clue why Hrdina was on this line. But it was solid.
Jaromir Jagr -- he was dying alive, but he was still scoring. 52G 69A 121P
Hrdina was mud.
Mario was Mario.

What a line.

Alexei Kovalev was disgusting -- 44G 51A 95P
Marty Straka -- 27 G 68 A 95P
Robert Lang -- 32G 48A 80P
In all-time Pens history, this line has to rank in the top 5.

Now, this is where the lines get foggy. But we figure someone reading this will know.

This wasn't a line for sure.
Stevens played 17 games in the playoffs.
Morozov was a joke.
And Josef Beranek had something to do with the tying goal in Game 7 in Buffalo or something.

Jobbers R' Us.
Rene Corbet was solid.
Wayne Primeau was sound.
Kraft was a farce. If you bought his jersey, you don't know what's going on.

The Defense

Darius Kasparaitis -- Bob Boughner
As solid as NHL D-men could be at that time.

Andrew Ference -- Janne Laukkanen
Laukkanen looks like he knows he's the man.
Ference was serviceable; a couple big goals in those playoffs.

Ian Moran -- Hans Jonsson
Ian Moran was shaky.
Hans Jonsson was "consistently inconsistent"... according to Mario Lemieux.
How did we not throw up when they were on the ice in a big situation?


Johan Hedberg -- J.S. Aubin

Moose was out of control.


The 2001 Playoffs were a magical mystery tour.
Every series took years off our lives.
Marty Straka was surreal.

Here he is stealing the puck from a certain Capital defenseman and scoring the game winner in Game 6 Overtime:

Straka was one of many heroes in the legendary 7-game series between the Sabres and Pens in the second round.

We all remember Lemieux tying Game 6 late.
With Straka scoring another overtime goal to send it to Buffalo for Game 7.

And of course:

The Bryan Bell " mmmyyyeeeaaahhh! "

And then besides taking acid before the second period of Game 2 against New Jersey, the Pens had nothing left in the Eastern Conference Finals.

Current Penguins
  • Jordan Staal was 12. Crosby -- 13. Malkin -- 14.
  • Sergei Gonchar was a Capital.
  • Mark Eaton was still 5 years away from discovering his powers.
  • Mr. Roberts' neighborhood was in Toronto.
  • Mark Recchi was a Flyer.
  • MAF, Talbot, and Army were in Juniors.
  • Malone, Orpik, Whitney, and Scuderi were still in college.
  • Melichar was just starting his Penguins career.
  • Laraque was a second-year player for the Oilers.
  • Ruutu was your average jobber for the Canucks.
  • Nasreddine was working at Chick-Fil-A in Robinson.
  • Ouellet had 40 goals in juniors.
  • Lord Therrien ran the Habs.
  • Ray Shero was getting people coffee in Nashville.
  • Mike Yeo was most likely banging your mom in 2001.

Early 2001 Events
  • January 11 -- AOL and TimeWarner merge.
  • February 11 -- Three Rivers Stadium is imploded.
  • February 18 -- Dale Earnhardt dies.
  • March 29 -- Pensblog Adam gets first pubic hair.
  • April 9 -- Pirates play first game in PNC Park.
  • April 15 -- Joey Ramone dies.
  • Hotmail was the shit.
  • South Park was in its 5th season.
  • You could still go hang out at the airport.
  • Having an AOL screen name was huge.
  • If a hot girl talked to you on ICQ, you threw up on yourself.
  • Google's plethora of web tools didn't exist.
  • People thought Osama Bin Laden was a dish at Pasta Bravo.
  • High-definition TVs were in their infancy.
  • Satellite radio had about 20 subscribers.
Some shows that debuted 2001:

Movies that came out in 2001:


Napster was huge.

The gayness emanating from the backstage festivities at these concerts is only rivaled by the events that take place in the 2006-07 Ottawa Senators locker room.

Britney was unreal.

do it.

Tons of great albums. Too many to list.

Pensblog Favorites:

Everyone likes different music.
Suck it.

Things that didn't exist yet:

Of course, we're counting on you for more.
Go Pens.


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