Thursday, August 30, 2007

Top Ten Biggest Douchebags

All sparked by commentor Steve from Denver, we figured we would do the obligatory top-ten list to kill some time during the summer.
We used some of the suggestions we have gotten and added some of our own.
Now, mind you, there have been thousands of douches in hockey; past and present.
We encourage you to tell us what we missed.

.......................................................'s Top 10 Douches in NHL History

Honorable Mentions:
  • The entire Ottawa Senators organization and their fanbase.
  • Mick McGeough
  • Kerry Fraser
  • Howard Baldwin

10. The Washington Capitals

No matter what year, no matter who plays on their team,
you cannot help but call a Capital a douchebag.

Dale Hunter, Al Iafrate, Kevin Hatcher, Don Beaupre, and Dino Ciccarelli led the way in the early '90s, posing as great as Penguin villains that we have ever seen.
That group gave way to the likes of Petr Bondra, Todd Krygier, Joe Juneau, Steve Konowalchuk, Olaf Kolzig, Mark Tinordi, and Jaromir Jagr.

2007-08's Crapitals have tons of potential.
With OA-Hole and Semen, they will no question be called a bunch of douchebags.

9. Cam Janssen

It is hard to imagine a less-talented player and a bigger douchebag.
Watch a Devils game when this scrub gets in, and you will know why.

He loves to jump into people and deliver late hits.
Basically, he is what's wrong with hockey.

Don't believe us?
Ask a Leafs fan:

8. Guy Carbonneau

We all remember Guy's jobbing last year:

"We all know they can score goals; we have to take advantage of their defence," Carbonneau said. "They like to go on the offensive and all five players join the rush. They like to take chances. We have to take advantage of the mistakes they make and get a lead on them early so they have to play catch-up."

-- Guy Homobonneau

There is not a bigger whiner in the league.
And it just seems he would be someone who, when the camera pans on him,
you would call a douche.

7. Adam Graves

Unreal. Anyone who has seen the smack of ugly intent knows it was exactly that.
He swung his stick like a baseball bat and owned Lemieux's wrist.

That's like Luciano Pavorotti getting whacked across the vocal cords during a big-time opera.

Imagine the hatred for him if the Pens hadn't won the Cup that year.
Graves may also be one of the ugliest humans ever born.

6. Brett Hull

He takes every opportunity to remind people that he scored 86 goals one year.
He cheated in 1999 to win the Stanley Cup for the Dallas Stars.

The most doucheness ever captured in one picture as Guy and Brett do each other.

He admitted in a recent article that his stick curve was illegal during his entire career.
The only bright side of this whole thing was when Don Cherry owned him during an intermission segment at the 2007 Stanley Cup Finals.

5. Philadelphia Flyers

Some people can only dream that one day, their team's logo will also look like a penis.

They traded away the Liberty Bell to get Lindros from the Nordiques.
Great move.


The fact they are the Pens' cross-state rivals is the main reason they are on this list.

Ron Hextall and Derian Hatcher come to mind, as well.

4. Mike Keenan

Picture: Another combo of two douches.

He's been known as Iron Mike to the NHL for a number of years.

Symptoms of douchedom:
  • Fired just a year after leading the Flyers to the Stanley Cup Finals
  • After leading the Blackhawks to the 1992 Finals, he was dismissed as coach.
  • He went to the Rangers in 1994 and led them to a Stanley Cup. What a douche.
  • Amidst the celebration of that Cup, Keenan laid with a woman for the only time in his life.
  • When Jeremy Roenick has choice words for you, you know you're a clown.
  • As general manager of the Panthers in 2006, he traded away Roberto Luongo then resigned as GM shortly thereafter.
He is presently head coach for the Calgary Flames.

3. Claude Lemieux

It is tough to put into words how big of douchebag Claude Lemiuex is.
He is a little bit of an exception, though, because he is the type of player that murders one of your players, and then scores a game-winning goal.

Kris Draper, your thoughts?


You ask why Lemieux is so high on this list?
Because, as stated, he could douche you in so many ways.
He owned everyone in the playoffs,and always showed up.
Watching him play against your team was not easy.

2. Chris Chelios

It's hard to tell why doucheness reeks from this guy.
He's been playing since the Ice Age and has been a steady defenseman.

Flyers fans hate him 'cause he owned Brian Propp back in the '80s somewhere.
We mostly likely hate him for attacking Larry Murphy in the end of Game 3 of the Stanley cup playoffs in 92

Again, we cannot say how important it is for against the odds to be on Youtube.
Even though you have to go to the very end of this video.
Is it really that bad seeing Mario Lemiuex bring the Mellon to a frenzy?

Like we said, we have no idea why we want him this high on the list.
But he belongs here.


1. Wayne Gretzky
Here's a Douchie McDoucherson if you ever saw one.
What a homo.

People think he's so great 'cause he scored 130 points or more in 12 consecutive season.
He scored 92 goals in 1981-82. What a puck hog.

He recorded 163 assists in 1985-86. What a player.

Gretzky could not be reached for comment.
He's still wiping his butt after crapping on the entire nation of Canada in 1988.

That is what makes Wayne Gretzky a douchebag.
He sold out.
Does anyone remember when he played for the Blues?
or the Rangers.
What a joke.
Yea his records may never be broken.
Or will they?

A Jeff Harr & Canaan collab

Wayne Gretzky sucks.

GO Pens


Troy Murphy said...

Fantastic list, the only thing left off it was Flyers fans, or Philidelphia fans in general.

On a (related?) note:


thepensblogderek said...

Sorry for the comments being locked.
We accidently burnt down commentorblog again.

Kenny Melvin said...


Anonymous said...

3 honorable mentions?

Jason Blake for spearing Crosby?

Ilya Kovalchuk for his celebration after the power play goal?

Ken Hitchcock for not noticing Crosby in the game he beat Philly in overtime?

thepensblogderek said...

good call anon---

We really wanted to include Kenny Melvin's parents, but it didn't make the cut.

This is why we don't usually do list, because we forget everything


Kenny Melvin said...

derek, wooooooooooooooooo

thepensblogderek said...


I had the perfect picture too..hahha

Loser Chris said...

What often gets lost from the Chelios file... during one of the games of the Pens/Hawks final (I don't remember which) Paul Staton was pinned along the boards in front of the Hawks bench. And what was Classy Chris' reaction? Why he sat there and jabbed Stanton in the face with the butt end of his stick the whole time.

He also cheats on his wife like nobody's business even though he tries to portray himself as Mr. Family Man. It's fact, I met a chick he would hook up with while making road trips to Cali.

Anonymous said...

completely unrelated.
what a picture.

Can't wait for hockey season!

Kenny Melvin said...

If you can't make links by now, you're a joke.

Anonymous said...

Pens jerseys will be unveiled at Pittsburgh Mills with Whitney, Malone and Talbot.

PO said...

on the claude portion you should have mentioned his episode of Pros Vs Joes

Kenny Melvin said...

Apparently most are link impaired. Pens to unveil new Jerseys Sept. 5

PittPensFan said...

I loved when Hextall kicked the hell out of Chelios at the end of the Propp series.

Also, how can this list not have the Islanders? John Tonelli, Chico Resch, David Volek, Glenn Healy, Miroslav Satan (cocky smirk specialist), and Jason Blake, piece of crap. Very disappointed. You soff.

chris said...

jamie langenbrunner

scott gomez

marty brodeur

jay pandolfo

brian gionta

colin white

brad lukowich

brendan witt

rick depo.

adam parish

i could go on for days

(dont care if i spelled their name wrong)

go pens

lloyd said...


lists the 100 most edited wikipedia entries by unique users.


Hooks Orpik said...

``At first I thought Gretzky shouldn't have been #1, but then I remembered he had a cameo in that Pensblog pointed us to the cameo he had in that Nickelback video. #1 with a bullet

``But, when you talk hockey douchebags, you talk Gary Bettman. I'm not a huge 'fire Bettman' guy, but he does pretty much suck.

Hooks Orpik said...

I'mma go get the papers, get the papers.

Anonymous said...

Larry Murphy -- Double Nickel -- Represent

- Soup

Anonymous said...

How can you have a douchebag list and not have Kenny Melvin on it?

Kenny Melvin said...

I love these people who call me names but have never met me or have any reason to hate me. Form your own opinion and don't conform to the masses.

Anonymous said...

what about Bertuzzi solely for the act he pulled on Steve Moore.

pensblog adam said...

we are so pissed that we forgot bertuzzi.
what a douche

wilsmith said...

I model my own game after Todd Bertuzzi's.

Anonymous said...

Note Dave Lewis heiling in the Draper picture. I was bummed to see Pat Verbeek omitted, but you did kind of allude to him last week

wilsmith said...

back to the liverpool discussion:

Pro sports in the US are so boring. Even at our pens games it gets boring because no one does anything unless they're prompted.

At pro football games, you just sit and watch, and it sucks. No noise unless prompted, again.

A college game is the only place you find that kind of thing. After 4 years of PSU games going anywhere else and actually sitting down to watch an event just isn't the same.

The most important thing is that at those soccer games, the fans NEVER shut up. All game long they make noise, they dont need to be told and they dont need to something to happen. They all know all the cheers, all the songs and they all show up in color.

Jason said...

i agree will. college sports might be better to attend than pro sports. the best sports atmosphere ive ever been in is at ncaa hockey games. the students are constantly chanting, cheering and harassing the opposing goalie. for example, after ever home goal, the students motion towards the opposing goalie and chant 'sieve' (in case you dont know, a sieve is a cooking utensil that filters out large objects, but lets many smaller things pass through it). it would be great to see some of this spirit brought to the nhl ranks

Loser Chris said...

One more for wil!

Barrasso35 said...

Sigh... one day I'll make it to Anfield... and Parkhead... and der Millerntor... and the Bentegodi.

I love football almost as much as I love hockey.

The hair on the back of my neck stands up every time I hear Fields of Athenry... god forbid I actually be in Paradise and hear that song. I'd probably never recover.

theNick said...

Brett Hull, Chris Chelios, and Jeremy Roenick are the reasons I root for team Canada at the Olympics

Mdubs34 said...

"Kenny Melvin said...I love these people who call me names but have never met me or have any reason to hate me."

...says the boy who made derogatory comments about a message board administrator's wife and her bout with cancer.

But Kenny Melvin does not belong on the all-time douche list.

Steve In Denver said...

Nice work on the list.

Another honorable mention for Keith Jones? He was a Capital and a Flyer, and reigned supreme in the vinegar aisle at whatever effin grocery store you have left in the 'burgh.

Ben said...

You guys are the Douchebags.

Anonymous said...

you left out the Pens Organization, as well as all of your fans. Your SHITTY arena, and shitty city....



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