Monday, September 11, 2006

Previously on JOBBERS...

Luke Ravenstahl, a taxi driver in Pittsburgh, bumps into Adam and Derek when they return to 2007.
The boys learned that a lot of things are different.
Ravenstahl had information that he felt Adam and Derek had to know about.
"The Secret Lies With Stan" is the message Ravenstahl relays to the boys.

Luke: They would've won at least six more Cups in that run if Mario would've stayed...

Us: Mario left? What?! What happened?!


Luke: In 1998, Mario Lemieux went out drinking one night on the South Side.
He stopped into St. James on 18th street to get a few Blue Moons.
Someone took pictures of him and submitted them to Mondesi's House.

Adam: The site that delivers sports and entertainment with a sarcastic, Pittsburgh twist?

Luke: Yeah.
Mondesi's House posted pictures of him drunk.
Lemieux demanded a trade the next day.

Us: But that's a website that targets the 18- to 34-year-old male demographic.
It wouldn't try to gain publicity by spreading personal pictures around.

Luke: Welcome to the 21st century.

Us: Where'd Lemieux go?

Luke: Montreal. The start of it all. His hometown.

Us: Did they win any Cups with him at the helm?

Luke: Yeah, one.

Us: Why not more?

Luke: Two words -- Gary Roberts.
Roberts would've taken over the world if it wasn't for him.

Us: Who?

Luke: I told you. I can't say his name.
He played quarterback for the Steelers.
He went to college at Maryland.
Judging by how much you guys have jobbed history, you might not even know who I'm talking about.

Adam: Neil O'Donnell?

Adam's testicles fall to the ground.

Adam: Holy hell.

Luke: I told you.
Guys, we only have a few moments before the Police get here to retrieve those balls and ---

Adam: My balls are on the ground.

Luke: I know. I've seen it happen before.
Listen! I think you guys need to go back in time to stop something from happening.

Adam: Stop what from happening?

Derek: Yeah, I don't want Mario playing for anyone but the Pens.

Luke: No, not that!
How was the 2007 that you left?

Derek: Oh, it was glorious.
The Steelers had just won their fifth Super Bowl.
Roethlisberger took the NFL by storm. He went 15-1 his rookie year.
The Pens were on the cusp of achieving dynasty status.
The Pirates were mud, but it was still enjoyable to go and experience a baseball game.

Luke: Fifth Super Bowl?
The Steelers won their eighth Super Bowl in 1998.

Adam: Eighth? Holy hell. How did that happen?

Luke: I don't know where to begin...
Wait a minute. Something doesn't make sense.

Adam: What?

Luke: Roethlisberger.
You're right. He went 15-1 in his rookie year.

Derek: Then he threw that pick to Harrison in the AFC Championship Game.

Luke: This is unbelievable.
That is exactly what happened in our 2004.

Adam: How can that be?

Luke: This is crazy.
Your 2007 sounds pretty good, especially because I'm the mayor.
But something went awry, and I bet it can all be traced back to him.

Derek: Neil O'Donnell?

Derek's testicles hit with ground.

Derek: Crap.
[ Footsteps in hallway ]

Luke: Guys, get out of here!
Take my laptop. I bookmarked some important stuff for you.

Adam: Damn, Luke, you should definitely get a Mac. Do you guys have iPhone yet?

Luke: A what?

Adam: You know, Macs and the iPhone.

Luke: Sorry, man. No clue what you are talking about.

Adam: [Vomits]

Derek: Let's go man!

Adam and Derek jump out of the window and land on the roof of Eat'n'Park.

They slip into the restaurant and collect themselves in a back booth.

Adam: Wow.

Derek: Do you believe what the Mayor told us?

Adam: Yeah, man. He has no incentive to lie.
He just risked his life apparently to tell us that crap.

Derek: "A Secret Lies With Stan."

Adam: No clue what that means.

Derek: Well, obviously, it has something to do with "Stan."
It's gotta be the Stanley Cup.
He said the Pens won like 80 in a row.

Wait. Why do you think we'd have to go back and stop N.O.?

Adam: I think we can say his name now. We don't have any more balls.

Derek: Stopping O'Donnell doesn't make any sense.
But that would be simple.
We just go back to before he was born and punch his mom in the face.

Adam: That is dumb. Too many things could change.

Derek: Well let's see what the hell's going on.

Waitress: Would you fellas like some food?

Us: Salad bar.

Waitress: Help yourselves.

Adam: Was that Sonny Abatta?

Derek:: Yeah. Looks like people in this 2007 are better judges of talent.

Derek and Adam dominate the salad bar and get back to business.

Derek: [ Opens laptop ]
Okay. What do we do?

Adam: Google search that message he gave us.

Derek: Google exists. Nice.
No results.
I'm gonna check those bookmarks he mentioned.

Adam: Wait. Go to

Derek and Adam watch in awe as the URL leads them to a gay activist site.

Derek: Well, at least that's still the same.

Adam: What are the bookmarks?

Derek: Here.

Adam: That is mud. He only gave us Neil O'Donnell's Wikipedia page and Mondesi's House.

Derek: Mondesi's House delivers sports and entertainment with a sarcastic, Pittsburgh twist.

Derek and Adam leave Eat'n'Park and take a cab back to the Boulevard.
They walk up to where they left the DeLorean.
A tall, dark figure awaits them.

Man: Boys, I am here to assist you on your journey.
I have a message for you.
"A Secret Lies With Stan."

Adam: Oh, God. Here we go again with that crap.
Just tell us what that means.

Man: Listen, we don't have much time. I know what you did.
Now you must go back in time so you will be safe from him.

Us: Neil O'Donnell?

Man: [ Stands in silence ]
Where are your balls?

Us: Ask your mom.

[ High five takes place ]

Man: Nice.

Us: Who are you?

Man: It is me -- Franco Harris.
N.O. wants the DeLorean so he can go back in time and DDT Terry Bradshaw.

Us: What? Why?

Franco: He wants to solidify himself as the best quarterback in Steeler history.

Us: The best? Don't you remember Super Bowl XXX?

Franco: You boys really are from another time.
I don't want my legacy jobbed in any way.
You must stop Neil. Find where everything changed.
Stop him from attaining greatness.

Derek: [ Walks over to the edge of the parking garage and looks down upon Pittsburgh. ]
What if we screw up even worse?
What if this laptop in my hands doesn't provide us enough clues?

Franco: You were given the message.
That's all you need to know.

Suddenly, tires squeal in the parking garage.
Rhythmic marching and chants of "Neil" grow louder and faster.

Franco: [ Wipes the feces off his face ]
Hang on to that!

Derek: Don't worry. I'm not Jerome Bettis.

Adam and Derek strap in.

Derek: Wait. Where the hell are we going?

Adam: We got to see when the Pens win that first Cup.
The Secret Lies With Stan.

Derek: Kick the tires and light the fires.

They direct themselves toward Oakland on the Boulevard.
They set the DeLorean to June 1985 as they slam on the gas.

66 MPH.

Chapter Four:

July 12.


Kenny Melvin said...

This plot is more complex than the fourth season of the Sopranos

brendan said...

The story still definitely has my interest but it was a little too short for all the hype. That's right, I said hype! Anyway, the cartoon was funny but maybe instead of spending that time on flash you should put it into the story. Sorry but this is worse than watching 24 not on dvd!

Kenny Melvin said...

I just find it funny that in any alternate time period the Steelers still manage to lose big games at home.

snoopyjode said...

gold. 24 karat gold.

i loved the animation section! but that subliminal pic is bothering me. i don't know jack about football. if anyone can figure out who those blurry characters are, please post it!

oh, staff: sorry about what happens to your testicles in the alternate universe!!! (:O

i can't wait to see where this is going...

Anonymous said...

HAHAHAHA - I know this will be as funny in the morning with coffee as it is right now with Honey Brown.

Thanks, guys


Joshua said...

haha I laughed at the gay activist comment, you homo's. I've been reading since day one.

Staff said...

brendan, your girlfriend said the same thing.

haha we got nothin.

if we cant take criticism, we're in the wrong place.

go pens.


Tiffany said...


Ok. A few questions...

Whatever happened to your balls?? Like, did you guys pick them up before you landed on the Eat 'N' Park roof? ;-)

And what if a chica says N.O.'s name out loud? [cue dramatic music]

Jason said...

awesome animation

derrick thomas, o'donnell, neil smith

Andrew said...

didn't the stillirs get bought by jimbo in ep 1 and moved out of town in 2004? i seem to remember that.


Staff said...

yes, they did

Staff said...

there may be a discrepancy with the 2004 season's playoffs being in the 2005 calendar year.

we dont want to dare someone to find holes in this plot, because even helen keller could probably find one.

rachel said...

Wow, just great guys, painful for you, but funny for the rest of us ;)

Tiff, I'm a little worried to the answer of your second question, lol

Tiffany said...

It is indeed frightening to think about, Rach. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Long live Jobbers and long live Marty!!!

EmDubs said...

Last night I saw the greatest look-a-like..... Colby Armstrong and "Michael Bolton" from Office Space.....

Matt said...

Wow, they still make Honey Brown? I haven't seen it since my days in college. That's outstanding!

Teej said...

Interesting story. Steelers = poop at home.

Might be late to report this, but Thibault is now a Sabre. Check it:;_ylt=AjS5MWecqAX

brendan said...

What I meant by the 24 comment was that 24 is such an awesome show that if you dont have the dvds and you have to wait every week it kills you. Just like this story, I just want to keep reading but I cant. No criticism intended whatsoever.

FritoWill said...


all i have to say.

Jonny V said...

This whole thing is almost as good as the Jimmy Fallon years of SNL. And was that ninja in the cartoon loserchris?

Hey cupcake, good luck on the road trip, and i don't think anything happens when you say Neal O'Donnel's name ou

Kenny Melvin said...

Wow look at this, the Oilers sign Buffalo RFA Thomas Vanek to a 7 year 50 million dollar offer sheet. The Oilers would have to give up 4 first round draft picks for this to go through. If Buffalo loses Vanek they might not make the playoffs next year. Buffalo ownership is a joke.

Steve In Denver said...

Nice work. Is anyone getting run over by a Frito's truck in future episodes?

I said N.O.'s name and my co-worker (also from Pgh) sharted.

Got to hear Ryan Smyth on the radio here today. The guy's a riot. I'd love a Pens Avs final this year.

Kenny Melvin said...

Buffalo matched the Oilers offer

snoopyjode said...

good eye, jonny v! i was wondering the same thing about the ninja, but i totally forgot to say anything! HA! "jobbers" is fantastic!

Dobber said...

That picture of at Eat 'N Park isn't from Dormont you fakers.

Spencemo said...

That was hilarious! Can't wait until the next episode!

I think if a chica says it, our ovaries will drop out. Just a guess.

wilsmith said...

so can you tailgate at pens games?

Christina said...

once again, nice work guys. can't wait for the next chapter!!

we all saw this coming

canaanmakesfood said...

is that the bridgeville EnP?

Mike Costa said...

Man: [ Stands in silence ]
Where are your balls?

Us: Ask your mom.

[ High five takes place ]

Best Part Of The Whole Story

Loser Chris said...

I was just going to assume the ninja was me and not say anything so that my little dream could not be crushed.

Spencemo said...


I believe that the Steeler in the center of the fuzzy picture is none other than N.O. himself. Although, I could probably say his name with no effect...I'm a Bears fan...

FritoWill said...

Steve, i just sent them pics of my actual Frito Truck so i sure hope so!!!!

Kenny Melvin said...

No one can dominated the Salad Bar like Adam and Derek

Stanley P. Kachowski said...

I'm lazy, and exhausted, after reading that. I think I'll just wait for the Jobbers cliffnotes.

J/K staff... good job. It is getting a bit complex, but all the more reason to go back and read previous chapters.

Side story: As I typed the above, I heard this sentence coming from my TV:

"There's only one thing left to do, and that is to drink my own pee."

Looking up, I was surprised that the person uttering such a statement was not Jason Blake (I refuse to let it go), but rather, the British queer from Man vs. Wild. (When I say 'queer', I am fully cognizant that he would kick my everloving ass in real life.)

So, to tie it to something hockey-related, the question is: Would you rather be a NJ Devils season ticket holder (and actually go to every game), or drink your own pee?

Jonny V said...

Urine cocktail

snoopyjode said...

just came back from seeing transformers. good film. it's long (my ass fell asleep) but the effects are AMAZING. shia leboeuf makes the film.

thanks, spence. i just can't for the life of me make anyone out in that picture. it goes by way too fast for me. (either that or i'm slow...)

stanley, i never thought i'd ever type these words: i'd rather drink my own pee. [*gags*]

PittCheMBA said...


I just saw on that some jobber created a new blog on called "The Pens
Blog". The url is Is
this jobber trying to steal some our your success by naming his blog almost the same as yours? I do not like this at all. Just thought you should know.


PittCheMBA said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Staff said...


Thanks for finding that, I threw up in my mouth a little bit..haha


rachel said...

Stanley, that is a no brainer... lemonades with a twist for everyone

Wow, Vanek signed a 7 year, $50 million contract with Buffalo. What in the world do you do with 50 million dollars!

Vanek, who made $942,400 last season in the final year of his rookie contract, will make $10 million next season, including a $5 million signing bonus. He'll make $8 million in 2008-09, including a $3 million bonus, and then $6.4 million in each of the final five years of the deal.

Steve in Denver said...

98.6 degree, stinky bile yellow urine shots would be preferable to being a Devils season ticket holder. I think even sloppy seconds from Nelly Butters would be preferable (that picture and caption killed me, by the way).

Their new arena will double as a solid waste treatment plant...they freeze the water just in time to play.

WilSmith - Can you tailgate at Pens games?? If you can tailgate at preliminary hearings for misdemeanor marijuana posession in Fort Littleton PA, I'd assume you can tailgait pretty much wherever you want. ;) Be the ball, Mr Smith.

Anonymous said...

there better be a Brian Bellows moment in here before this is all said and done.



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