Wednesday, June 13, 1984

JOBBERS -- CHAPTER TWO: LUKE OUT.


Adam and Derek go back in time to the 1984 NHL Draft, innocently wanting to draft Gary Roberts and Patrick Roy with the otherwise wasted picks.
They return to present-day Pittsburgh and find that nothing is like how they left it.



Dude: Mellon what?

Us: Oh, no! The Pens left.

Dude: Are you high? You must be from out of town.
The Pens play on the North Shore.

We take a surprisingly free cab to the North Shore and cannot believe our eyes...

........................................
..........................
...............









...As we make our way to the North Shore, Pittsburgh looks different.
The buildings are clean, no homeless people walking around.
The only thing playing in the background is what sounds like the hosts of the B-94 morning show -- John, Dave, Bubba, and Shelly.
We ask the driver to switch to some DVE.

Driver: DVE? What is that?
B-94 is the only radio station in the United States.

But before we can digest that statement, we cross over the Barry Bonds Bridge.

We throw up in the cab:


Mellon Arena is there, sitting majestically in the place where Heinz field once stood.
But it isn't Mellon Arena. It is called The Arby's Dome.
We look over at PNC Park and see that it isn't PNC Park , but rather Two Rivers Stadium.
We look past the Arby's Dome and see a huge wall erected cutting off the view to the West End Bridge and the Ohio River.
What happened? What is going on?

Us: Driver, where is Heinz Field?

Driver: Heinz what?

Us: Heinz Field. Where do the Steelers play?

Driver: [ Looks in rearview mirror ] Where you guys from?

Us: Pittsburgh.

Driver: You've lived here your life?

Us: Yeah...

Driver: Is this some joke? What are your names?

Us: Derek and Adam. Just a couple of jobbers.

The cab comes screeching to a halt on Doug Drabek Boulevard. The driver turns to face us in the cab. We are astonished when we recognize the face.

Driver: You're a couple of what?

Us: Mayor Ravenstahl?

Luke: Mayor??? What are you guys talking about?

Us: You're the Mayor of Pittsburgh!!

Luke: Oh, my God.

Us: What?

Luke: [ Hurriedly puts the car in Drive ] We gotta get out of here. He may be watching.

Us: Who?

Luke: I can't say. If you say his name, your balls fall off.

Luke does a 180 and rockets toward the Liberty Bridge.

Luke speeds over the Liberty Bridge, through the tubes, and into Dormont, where he takes us to his apartment behind Eat'n'Park.



Adam: Marty! My pet chicken!

Luke: Marty? This is Miguel. Don't touch him.

Grab a beer, guys.
I can't believe this is happening.
I want you to listen closely...

On April 19th, 2000, I had a dream -- that I was sitting in the Montreal Forum, Section 6, Row 6, with Bob Smizik.

Us: The terd from the Post-Gazette?

Luke: No. He's a Pulitzer Prize-winning author.
Reading a sentence that he writes makes you black out.

Us: Whatever.

Luke: Anyway, I told my life partner, Mitch, about the dream --

Derek: I knew it.

Luke: To our surprise, he had also had the same dream.

My dream showed me being in the Montreal Forum on February 28, 2001, when the Pens played the Canadiens.
I bought two tickets for that game after talking with Mitch and went out to find Bob Smizik.
I had no idea where to find him.

Adam: Did you try every place where adolescent boys hang out?

Luke: Yeah, no dice.

I finally caught up with him at a seminar he was speaking at.
I made out with his bodyguard and got into his dressing room.
I recanted my dream to him and pleaded with him to go to the game with me.
He grudgingly agreed.

February 28, 2001 --We go to the game, sitting in Section 6, Row 6.
Halfway through the first period, a message appears on the scoreboard.

"Jobbers. LetsGoPens.com."

Moments later, a voice echoed throughout the Forum.

"If You Post, They Will Come."

I turned to Bob Smizik, and just as I was about to ask him if he had experienced the same things, a puck came and hit him in the head. He died later at the hospital.

Us:: Nice.

Luke: "Jobbers" -- Today was the first time I've ever heard that word spoken.

Us: If You Post, They Will Come?

Luke: After the game, I immediately registered a name on LetsGoPens.com and made a post about some minor-league players no one cares about.

Us: Hey, was there a guy named Kenny Melvin on that board?

Luke: Sgt. Melvin? How do you know the Chief of Police?

Within 5 minutes of creating a screen name on the message boards, I got a PM from some guy called "TheMayor."

The message:
"A Secret Lies With Stan."

After that, my account was suspended indefinitely.

Gentlemen, I have been waiting for this day for the past 6 years.
I thought this was all in my head.

I feel it is my purpose in life to have told you all of this.

Us: Wait a minute. Stop everything.
You're supposed to be the Mayor of Pittsburgh -- What happened?

Luke: What?

Us: We are originally from June 23, 2007.
We traveled back in time and changed the 1984 draft.

Luke: That was when we drafted Lemieux, Roberts, and Roy in the first round.

Us: YES! Exactly!

Luke: Did you "change" anything else?

Us: No. Nothing. Unless the dude that made our burgers at Rax that day was consequently obliged to stay an extra 45 seconds past his shift to make the sandwiches. That 45-second delay could have had astronomical effects on Montreal.
He leaves the parking lot 45 seconds later than he would have.
The dude riding his bike, who 45 seconds earlier, would have rode past the entrance to Rax unharmed, is douched by the worker leaving Rax.
The ambulance driver responds to the 911 call, running red lights.
All those people who would have otherwise proceeded through their green lights wait so the ambulance driver can fly past.
One of those people is a truck driver trying to make a delivery somewhere. He was late making his delivery. He loses his job, and his wife divorces him.
We could have basically changed the entire outcome of the world just by ordering a sandwich from Rax in 1984.

Luke: What are you talking about.

Us: Luke, where are the Steelers?

Luke: They were relocated in 2004. Balsillie packed them up.

Us: Wait -- Balsillie? Jim Balsillie?

Luke: Wow, you fellas really are out of the loop.

Us: Like how? How are the Pirates?

Luke: I don't know what it was like in your times, but the Pirates have been toiling in mediocrity for the past 14 years.

Us: Well, that hasn't changed.

Luke: So I guess you know about them winning the World Series in 90, 91, 92.

Us: What? They lost to the Reds and the Braves in the LCS those years..

Luke: No way.
Doug Drabek won the John Smiley Award those three years. He was incredible. He had an ERA of -0.45.
The Penguins released Tom Glavine, and he decided to play for the Pirates.
Drabek and Glavine won a combined 75 games in 1992.



Us: John Smiley Award?

Luke: Oh, it used to be called the Cy Young Award until John Smiley's first year here in 1986.
He pitched 22 perfect games that season.




Us: Unreal.

Luke: The Pirates won those three World Series behind Andy Van Slyke's dominance.

Us: He wasn't really that great.

Luke: You're right. He wasn't.

Until 1989, when Gary Roberts came out in the Pittsburgh papers and said Van Slyke looks like Huey Lewis.



This bolstered Van Slyke's confidence, and he became a driving force in baseball.

Us: How about Bonds?

Luke: Barry Bonds was a God in this city, and still is.

Us: Even with the steroids?

Luke: Are you kidding me? Steroids?
Barry Bonds didn't need steroids. He had Roberts.
But Bonds was killed in a bar fight at Froggy's in Station Square in 1993.
The city was never the same.

Us: What else has happened?

Luke goes on to tell us many things, such as the fall of the Berlin Wall, Will Smith, Hugh Grant, Die Hard 3, 9/11, the Challenger explosion, and Linkin Park.

Us: Luke, we got to be honest. Everything else sounds exactly like our history.
How have the Pens been doing?

Luke: The Penguins have been money in the bank.
The U.S. Currency is now called Pens. They've been that steady.
You talk Pittsburgh. You talk Penguins.
They won 11 consecutive Stanley cups.
They would've won at least six more in that run if Mario would've stayed...

Us: Mario left? What?! What happened?!

...........................................

Chapter Three:

Thursday, July 5, 2007.
Midnight.

69 comments:

Kenny Melvin said...

First!

Unreal guys, that's all there really is to say. And I like my part in it as well. I never did notice the striking similarity between Van Slyke and Huey Lewis.

Chris said...

Between the post you had about alternate 1993 and Jobbers, your alternate reality stuff is money in the bank.

Kenny Melvin said...

The jab at letsgopens is fucking brilliant. I'm glad you guys finally called them on the stupidity of getting your estrogen level high worrying about three jobiers in junior A.

tjand72 said...

I have no plans on having kids for at least a few years, but if I have a girl, you're more than welcome to her when she reaches 12.
Yeah, I said 12. If there's grass on the field, play ball! I'll sign off on it.
And if my wife/baby mama doesn't want to, I'll make her.

"Doin' It All for My Baby" BABY!

Jason said...

someone start a petition right now. As loyal fans we need to do everything in our power to guarantee that the new arena is called the arby's dome

tjand72 said...

Oh, and Kenny Melvin...
Don't project your parent-touching on LGP.
"It's not your fault. It's not your fault. It's not your fault. IT'S NOT YOUR FAULT!!!"

Anonymous said...

whatever you guys smoke, i want some

Anonymous said...

I came.

Anonymous said...

oh my god.

i don't even have words.

brilliant.

and way to leave us hanging at the end.

FritoWill said...

Hey if i throw you guys a couple bags of Dorito's can i get in the next chapter?

Anonymous said...

jesus george I won't be able to sleep tonight

Spencemo said...

That was gold. I was late for work this morning because I was reading that. OK, it wasn't just because I was reading that...traffic on the main drag through town was brought to a screeching halt by a family of Canadian geese crossing the road.

Oh, and tjand72, that is more wrong than anything I have ever read here. Really, that's sick.

snoopyjode said...

solid entry, guys. i know you're not giving out details, but can i at least ask how many chapters there will be?

re: tjand72 - agreed, spence. that guy is fucking warped. that's not funny at all. >:(

Lloyd said...

tjand72

not cool man... not cool

Antonette said...

Guys, that's absolutely brilliant. I hope every chpater keeps getting better. Ohman, I can't say anthing else because I'm still dumbfounded about how awesome this is.

Long live Jobbers.

Teej said...

Incredible reading. Can't wait for the next chapter. Where's Mario?

Oh and not to get off-topic, but here are the official HHOF inductees:

Mark Messier
Ron Francis
Al MacInnis
Scott Stevens

Anonymous said...

the national post in canada is saying that KC was promised a team so that the Pens could stay in Pittsburgh

http://www.canada.com/nationalpost/news/sports/story.html?id=0f36dea7-3dd7-4993-b955-4e7a4da1a29a

Christina said...

effing brilliant, guys. can't wait for the next chapter....

Rico Fatastic said...

As the world's greatest AVS and Huey Lewis fan, I want to thank you for the Greatest Moment in the History of the Internet.

the rest was really good, too, especially the Arby's Dome. Do you guys know that to raise money in the 80s, there was a movement to rename the Civic Arena the "Allegheny Power Dome". A lawyer involved in the whole thing taught my law school class in Sports & the Law, and he said that back then, it was determined that it was illegal (somehow) to sell naming rights.

How cool of a name is that, though?

Sunday! SunDAY! SUNDAY! At the Allegheny POWERDOOOOOME-- GRAVVVVEEEEE DIGGGGGGGGGGEERRRrrrrrrrr

snoopyjode said...

this is for loser chris. it was inspired by jonny v. when i read that comment, this was all i could picture in my head.

Anonymous said...

Some notes:

-Kenny Melvin is back with his obligatory conversation about lgp.com. get over it, child.

-Quality work, tPB boys. I am a little slighted that there was no mayor goldie wilson made in connection to Luke...would've been clutch...just saying

-tjand72...i laughed. if a PBstaffer makes a comment like that its okay..commenterblog obviously has wavering standards of humor.

-Aaron Gray sucks.

Canaan

Kenny Melvin said...

Hey Canaan don't you have to make a post about the pros and cons of the 7th round draft pick? douchebag

Kenny Melvin said...

FYI Ron Francis will be on with Madden tonight at 6

Spencemo said...

Canaan...

I would have said the same thing regardless of who made that comment. As far as I'm concerned, there is no wavering on that topic. It's wrong, wrong, wrong. >:(

Jason said...

if sex with pre-teen girls is wrong, then i dont want to be right!

tjand72 is probably the alias of nbc's Chris Hansen. He's just looking for more predators to catch. im on to you Hansen!

Anonymous said...

"Hey Canaan don't you have to make a post about the pros and cons of the 7th round draft pick? douchebag"

Dear Kenny...

the penguins didn't have a 7th rd draft pick this year.

you lose. fag.

-canaan

Kenny Melvin said...

It's embarassing that you knew we didn't have a 7th round pick right off the top of your thick head. Get a life asswipe

thepensblogderek said...

Commenterblog = out of control


We might need to hold a steel cage match to settle things down

Anonymous said...

Kansas City getting an NHL team=Barrasso35 less than two hours from Penguins games.

God bless "Boots" Del Biaggio.


Commenterblog is out of control... this isn't LGP, people, let's just calm down.

Staff great post today, can't wait for the next installment.

Gary Roberts facts, anyone?

Barrasso35

snoopyjode said...

canaan, i stand by my earlier comment - i don't care who makes the joke. oh, and don't make assumptions about what i'd have done if it had been made by the staff. i don't appreciate it. besides, i thought we all agreed the catty bullshit is lame and it doesn't belong in commentorblog? i'm over it already.

i'm with barrasso35. here's some roberts facts that i found:
in his spare time, he's a freelance photographer, a web developer, and deputy dean of tulane law school. HA! he also draws dirty comics, but someone already posted that on an earlier commentorblog, and i'm not sure going to that website is wise while i'm at work! :p

Anonymous said...

"It's embarassing that you knew we didn't have a 7th round pick right off the top of your thick head. Get a life asswipe"

its embarassing that you claim to be a pens fan and dont even know anything about the team.

p.s. commentorblog is sensitive today. wah wah.

-canaan

Ryan said...

Wow.

A 19 year old in Detroit is facing a bunch of charges for IMPREGNATING AN 11 YEAR OLD GIRL.

To make matters worse, the mothers of both CONSENTED to the relationship and knew they were having sex.

Apparently, tjand72 is the 11 year old's parent.

http://www.clickondetroit.com/news/13588491/detail.html

Kenny Melvin said...

Canaan don't you have to get drunk somewhere? Put that slippery rock education to work

Anonymous said...

strike 2, KM

its a Cal education

...call me when you graduate from highschool. then you can come over to my house and look at my 3 BA's.

-canaan

Spencemo said...

OK, you two...if you don't quit your petty bickering, I'll turn this commentorblog around RIGHT NOW!!!

Kenny Melvin said...

Wow Canaan CalU is right up there with Harvard, Yale, Brown. What are your three BA's in? Ballroom dancing, 3rd grade math, and being an asshole.

Anonymous said...

English, Journalism (you know, that thing you're terrible at), Creative Writing.Im proud of my education, sorry mate if it doesn't meet the acceptance of a 16 year old who tries to write for their school paper.

sorry to the rest of commentorblog

anyways, lets change the subject.

Pick 2 FA's (RFA or UFA) That you would want on the pens team this season. the first player should be someone who would benefit the team the most (within the current system). the second player is the best FA available and why.

#1: Paul Kariya - he is a top 6 winger that finishes--exactly what crosby needs.

#2: Daniel Briere - Aside from being a fan boy, he has all the skill sets to be completely uber.

Kenny Melvin said...

do you really think we could ever afford Briere's cap hit jackass? Why even bring him up?

Anonymous said...

the second pick of the proposed question is more of a fantasy pick... sorry if that wasn't clear enough

-canaan

snoopyjode said...

wow. commentorblog has ruined jobbers today. i'm sorry i had a part in that.

i'll see you guys tomorrow. i'm done reading today's mud.

Mdubs34 said...

It's all a big misunderstanding.

Kenny Melvin's dad was just reaching for the last slice of Pizza Hut, which Kenny was strategically hiding in his pants.

An honest mistake.

Kenny Melvin said...

I never even complained, I rolled with the punches. I thought the story was great.

md said...

I'll take Kariya for a 2 year deal (let him load up on Crosby points and cash in elsewhere in 2 years when we need to sign the core guys).

For my second pick, give me a top 4 defensive defenseman, any top 4 defensive defenseman at a reasonable price for 3-5 years (assuming they're not already old).

snoopyjode said...

oh my god, i know i said i was done for the day - at the time i meant it - but this IS A MUST READ. not again. PLEASE GOD NOT AGAIN.

Anonymous said...

First of all...

To ThePensblog Staff: You guys really rock! Jobbers is great! Love reading your posts. Pure talent!

To Kenny M, Canaan, and Tjand72: This is not LGP nor is it Mondesishouse. Go on AIM if you want to act like children and trash each other.

Leave Commentorsblog to ThePensblog fans.

Thank you

Karri

Kenny Melvin said...

Snoopy calm down, this is just the drama queen in Ed Rendell coming out. The budget always goes down to the wire anyway so i'm not that concerned. Don't jump off the bridge.

snoopyjode said...

amen, karri, amen. you are my hero for putting it so well.

i know, ken, but my heart can't take this grandstanding political crap. i don't really care what fast eddie says (he's a blowhard, anyways), but when the penguins' brass release statements like that, i get sick in the stomach.

Kenny Melvin said...

I know snoopy it's hard to stomach even though we've been through it so many times before. If the senate can't pass this bill then Ron Burkle and Lemieux have every right to pick up and move July 2. This is an embarassment.

Chelsea said...

wow..guys..well done..better than heroes? i think yes.

wilsmith said...

I'm sure we've all seen this before.

Why argue?

thepensblogderek said...

Snoop-

I threw up all over my computer.
No need for these people to do this.
Didn't these people have all year to make a budget?
I'll kill everyone in my neigborhood.
(I can't wait to see this very message on some news show, when they are talking about how I killed everyone)


As for all the shit that is going down in commentorblog,it is not going to fly.

Kenny,
You have established yourself as a ok memember of commentorblog.We have no problem with you. My only advice to you is to not to pay attention to anyone jobbing you.Just act like you don't see it, I understand if you want to stick up for yourself, but to be honest with you. If people come in here jobbing you just let them look like morons.

Canaan,

Your money in the bank, Your photoshops have been the only reason I have woken up some mornings.
Just let the whole melvin thing go, it is not worth it.

Anyone else.
If you had a problem with Ken on Lgp, that is fine, don't bring it here. No one cares, no one will ever care.

I understand it is your right, but
honestly it is over.Let it go







go pens

-dr

Anonymous said...

wow obviously commentorblog is not the place to try out my new baby rape jokes



-TheNick

Kenny Melvin said...

Couldn't agree more Derek

snoopyjode said...

thepensblogderek said...
(I can't wait to see this very message on some news show, when they are talking about how I killed everyone)


ooooooooh, thanks for the laugh. i needed it. :)

if the arena deal crumbles, i'm starting a riot. count on it.

Kenny Melvin said...

If the arena deal falls through then i'm making tasteless jokes on commentator blog everyday. I love the one Rendell quoter earlier when he said "The Republicans are trying to screw me"

Kenny Melvin said...

This is way out of left field but if you don't think of Lemieux's goal against the Blackhawks in game 1 of the 92 cup finals daily then you're not a true Penguin fan.

dying alive said...

Don't kill anyone yet. This happens every year when they do the budget. It always comes down to the last minute as they bicker and act like jobbers.

It'll get done. We're halfway there, the state House has already passed the bill. It just has to clear the senate, and it will. Rendell will see to it. When you start to get worried remember this - the same bill that concerns the arena money also awards money to Philly for their convention center. Do you think Rendell will rest until that thing is passed?

No way.

Kenny Melvin said...

Exactly right DyingAlive. In politics things get done at the last minute almost always. Chalk this up to sensationalist journalism looking to attract viewers and get ratings. I bet most of you watched the KDKA news tonight to see Ed Rendell and that was exactly their goal.

Anonymous said...

"Anyone else.
If you had a problem with Ken on Lgp, that is fine, don't bring it here. No one cares, no one will ever care."

Those of us who frequent both sites care. And we won't forget what he did over there. Sorry, but it was that bad. Just seeing his name in commentorblog is enough to remind us. The boy has plenty of jobbing or bad karma or whatever you want to call it coming his way.

Kenny Melvin said...

Anonymous you act like I was responsible for the holocaust, the JFK shooting, and the cold war. You really need to get over it.

Anonymous said...

i, again, am sorry for cluttering commentorblog with the same spiel, but i wasnt the one casting stones at lgp. im over it, but needless provocation is irritating.

my bad derek et al.

-Canaan

snoopyjode said...

staff,

i am rather enjoying the new picture at the top. message received. ;)

Tiffany said...

Let's all just eat some yummy cupcakes. ;-)

Anonymous said...

Exactly, Canaan. Things were cooling off until Kenny stirred the pot jabbing at LGP again.

How about this: Kenny Melvin agrees to stop jabbing at LGP, and LGP-ites agree to stop jobbing Kenny and ignore him?

Mdubs34 said...

Wow.

I read LGP. I read ThePensBlog.

Kenny Melvin has turned both sites to poop, some through his own actions, some through others' reactions to his actions.

(I shouldn't say both 'sites' have turned to poop because the main LGP and ThePensBlog still rock, but each has gone downhill in respect to their community interaction).

Anonymous said...

Someone who goes to Woody High making fun of one's alma mater. Oh, the irony.

Ian said...

I kinda hate to do this because there's 66 comments right now and it seems kinda fitting that there be 66 comments right after the line about "Where's Mario"? But I'm compelled to tell you guys how great this was. I'm still laughing (about 10 hours after originally reading the post) about the John Smiley award. He was so underrated. Amazing. I love how you tie in all the old buccos. Keep up the great work guys!

tjand72 said...

I apologize if I was part of the disgracing of Commentorblog. Lord knows I don't want it to be muddied up with inane bickering.

I'll be damned, however, if I can't post a pedophile joke for all of the board to enjoy.

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