Friday, June 22, 2007

JOBBERS -- CHAPTER ONE: ROUGH DRAFT.

JOBBERS
A summer-long epic tale.

............................

The 1984 NHL entry draft. It changed peoples lives.
Unless you're retarded, you know Mario Lemieux was taken number-one overall.
That may be the most important draft pick sports has ever seen.



What if Lemieux wasn't taken by the Penguins?
You could make the argument that this very post would not even exist.
But we aren't here to examine that.

What is so shocking about this draft was that the Penguins had two more picks:
two more top-21 picks.

Why is this important? Because the 1984 draft was stacked.
After Lemieux, the Penguins also had the number-nine draft pick.
They selected Doug Bodger.

After that, they had the number-16 pick.
With that pick, they selected Roger Belanger.
Was anyone else aware of these other two first-round picks?
Or have we been so blinded by the Pens taking Mario that we forgot they blew it?
The 1984 draft was quite possibly one of the greatest draft classes since Egyptian times.

So what happens if the Penguins nab one of the many future hall-of-famers in this draft?
How does history change?
Well, never fear. We have enlisted the help of several friends to help us.

First.
We borrow the ol' DeLorean.
We make some adjustments.
Get it to 66 MPH and get ready.


Do it.

Next up:
We enlist the help of Dr. Sam Beckett and AL from Quantum Leap.
We will leap into the body of Penguins GM Eddie Johnston.


What a great show

..........................


June 9, 1984, at the Le Forum in Montreal, Quebec, Canada.

We arrive in downtown Montreal at 12:26 pm.

For some reason, the Forum smells like your grandfather's ballsac.
We let EJ draft Le Magnifique.

As soon as he exits the stage, the quatnam leap into EJ goes off without a hitch.
We take over.

The Devils are on the clock.
They job forever and take Kirk Muller.
The Blackhawks, up next, waste no time taking Ed Olczyk.
Time to hit the nacho stand after that one.

2:30pm: We walk back into our little table.
The scouts say Doug Bodger is the pick. No dice.
We see there is a prospect by the name of Gary Roberts.
We know the Flames want him. We fire all the scouts. Roberts is money in the bank.
We walk to the podium.

With the ninth pick in the draft, the Pittsburgh Penguins select:
Left Wing Gary Roberts from the Ottawa 67's (OHL)

We introduce Roberts to Lemieux backstage.
Their handshake registers a 2.4 earthquake in San Francisco.
But we don't stick around for conversation.
We have a tough choice to make.
A bunch of nobodies go off the board.

3. David Quinn (D) Flag of United States United States Minnesota North Stars Kent High School (Rhode Island)
14. Terry Carkner (D) Flag of Canada Canada New York Rangers Peterborough Petes (OHL)
15. Trevor Stienburg (RW) Flag of Canada Canada Quebec Nordiques Guelph Platers (OHL)

With the number-16 pick in the draft, the Pittsburgh Penguins select:
Goaltender, Patrick Roy from Granby Bisons (QMJHL)

People look around in stunned disbelief.
Who?

Bob Smizik starts to pen a column saying that besides drafting Lemiuex, this was a horrible draft.

Now we have tons of time to job around, so we go catch a little bit of an Expos game.

And they played June 9, 1984 at home,
So this is a valid part of the story.

After watching Andre Dawson go big fly, we go back to the draft.
We don't miss much.

Scott Mellanby...Stephane Richer...
and the immortal Tony Hrkac are off the board.

We think about trading up to draft Ray Sheppard.
But we stand pat.

With the 64th pick in the draft, the Pittsburgh Penguins select:
Center Tom Glavine from Billerica High School (Massachusetts).

Yes, that Tom Glavine.

Look it up. He was in the draft.

More time to kill.
We do a radio interview with KDKA.
We gurantee a Stanley Cup.

Next up, pick number 85:
We just job, so no one will ever question how we knew so many players would be good.

We draft:
Right wing: David Volek from HC Slavia Praha (Czechoslovakia)

We then have Volek murdered.

While authorities are addressing the Volek murder,
Brett Hull...Kirk McLean...Kjell Samuelsson go off the board.

Yeah, we could have drafted Hull.
But he is a douche.

With our seventh round pick, we steal:
Left Wing Luc Robitaille from Hull Olympiques (QMJHL)

We draft a few more stiffs.
After that, it is time to go.

We leap out of EJ and head back to 2007.

.................

We stop at a Rax for dinner.
We fire the DeLorean up, get it to 66 MPH, and head back to Pittsburgh.

3:30PM -- June 23, 2007

As we arrive back on I-279, something is strange.
It should be packed with cars.
But there is nothing.
No PennDOT construction.

While driving on the Parkway from our landing spot in Scott Township, we notice that gas is 47 cents a gallon.
We also notice that the Parkway has been given the honorary title of "Gary Roberts Expressway."
Three billboards on the Parkway say "Neil Is Watching You. NO."

We make our way through the Fort Pitt Tunnel.

Nothing like coming through the tunnel and seeing good old Pittsburgh.
But something feels different.

We park the DL in one of the parking garages on the Boulevard of the Allies.
Must be our lucky day because it says "Free Parking."

As we make our way to go deposit some cash money on Pens season tickets, we notice no one is outside smoking cigs, and the people we do see actually smile and look happy.

We walk up to Grant Street and turn the corner.
Stunned.

Where is Mellon arena? WTF.

We ask some dude.

Dude: "Mellon what?"

Us: "Oh, no! The Pens left."

Dude: "Are you high? You must be from out of town.
The Pens play on the North Shore."

We take a surprisingly free cab to the North Shore and cannot believe our eyes...

Chapter Two:
Early Friday, June 29, 2007.

71 comments:

Jonny V said...

First!!

-canaan


Oh...

David Volek murdered, haha. And Rax...with the Uncle Alligator meals =led money in the bank

Inspired effort tonight guys

Jason said...

brilliant....the pic of mario is money, gotta love the old wooden sticks

Thomas said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Thomas said...

We have to wait another week for more?!

Anonymous said...

pensblog = money in the bank

Anonymous said...

excellent, just excellent!

loralei said...

That was fabulous. Rax was quality. Dont forget though, Pens traded Doug Bodger for Tom Barrasso. Would their be a Tom Barrasso w/ out Doug Bodger?

Spencemo said...

Well, being from NE Ohio, I've never been to Rax, but I did love me some "Quantum Leap".

Anonymous said...

DAMN YOU JONNY V!!!!

-canaan

p.s. excellent submission tpb!

snoopyjode said...

staff, that was frickin' GOLD. just as i was recovering from We introduce Roberts to Lemieux backstage. Their handshake registers a 2.4 earthquake in San Francisco. you go and give us We draft: David Volek... We then have Volek murdered.. And on top of that you call brett hull a douche. OUTSTANDING! my only complaint is that i have to wait an entire week to see where this is going. you're killing me!

Ian said...

The DeLorean needed to get up to 88 mph to time travel. Besides that, great post. Unless you're driving a special Lemieux-fueled DeLorean, then 66 makes sense.

Anonymous said...

Ian,

Yes you are correct it is a Lemieux-fueled DeLorean. We should have mentioned that.
We have watched back to the future far to many times not to know 88mph was the speed.
Back the to the future should of won an oscar

-pensblogderek

Kenny Melvin said...

Guys that was absolute gold!! Maybe the best post since the alternative spring of 1993. We would have drafted Hull but he's a douche absolutely fucking brilliant!

Alex said...

Ahh so funny. Rax hahaha

Can't wait for chapter 2

Jocelyn said...

another piece of pensblog excellence...

Anonymous said...

i didnt think the pensblog messed up the delorean speed. it was intentional.

We borrow the ol' DeLorean.
We make some adjustments.
Get it to 66 MPH and get ready.

hence the make some adjustments line.

Kevin said...

Solid Post guys! Brett Hull is a douche and I'm glad I dont have to listen to that jobber on NBC anymore. Bring in Barry Melrose from ESPN and his infamous mullet.

Kevin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
fritowill said...

finally a noteworthy post during the offseason, Brilliant!!!

Christina said...

absolutely fucking brilliant. can't wait for chapter two, guys!!

Jason said...

i almost forgot about this....i know the gary roberts wiki page thing is old now, but check out the achievements section...i snuck this in over a week ago and no one has found it yet

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Gary_Roberts_%28ice_hockey%29

Nathan said...

Of course, if the Pens had drafted Patrick Roy in the first place, would the Bodger-Barrasso trade have been necessary? But having Volek murdered was the best part of the post.

Kenny Melvin said...

I think the wikipedia people have given up trying to stop the Gary Roberts pranks Jason. It's still gold. Once again staff, one of the best posts ever

Nathan said...

Another note about the 1984 entry draft: if you look way down the list, to #240 overall, you'll find a very familiar name. With that 12th-round pick, the Montreal Canadiens took a goaltender from Verdun of the QMJHL by the name of Troy Crosby. Yes, that Troy Crosby.

Kenny Melvin said...

I looked it up and Luc Robitaille was drafted 171st overall, isn't that amazing?

Anonymous said...

"Nathan said...
Another note about the 1984 entry draft: if you look way down the list, to #240 overall, you'll find a very familiar name. With that 12th-round pick, the Montreal Canadiens took a goaltender from Verdun of the QMJHL by the name of Troy Crosby. Yes, that Troy Crosby. "


Don't think we don't know this.
We already wrote this in to episode 2

-dr

snoopyjode said...

dr,
a teaser, eh? i'll say it again - YOU'RE KILLING ME!!!

Kenny Melvin said...

I think you guys could pitch this story to any major network and make it into a miniseries.

Anonymous said...

Seeing the famous ole pic of Mario on Mt Washington reminds me of something I wish the Pens PR dept had done two years ago: Get Sid at the same spot in a similar pose. Or did they do that and I never saw it?

Kenny Melvin said...

That's actually a great idea

Steve In Denver said...

First, I miss Rax. Best hangover food. Ever.

Second, I remember skating at Schenley one night and watching the new rookies (minus Lemieux) take over and shoot pucks at a net. Bodger sent the first one into the trees. The second shot rang of a post and hit some chick in the ankle. There was no further shooting. Belanger took off with all the hot chicks.

Last, I'll be sporting my Pens hat at Widespread Panic this weekend at Red Rocks. I always get tons of High 5's at Red Rocks from other former Pittsburghers.

WOOOOOOOHOOOOOO

Great post folks!

Anonymous said...

Once again guys, exceptional writing in this post. You made me forget for the minutes it took to read it that we were in the offseason.

Just when we were reminiscing about watching the Pens play after the fights were posted Wednesday night...feeling a little low...you come up with a mini-series for us.

Thanks!

Karri

John Tarbett said...

BIG NEWS! ROBERTS AND REECHI ARE RE-SIGNED!

http://www.tsn.ca/nhl/news_story/?ID=211557&hubname=

We should start Gary Roberts facts now.

Anonymous said...

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSS

We will have more reaction tonight when we get home from work...


A full season of Gary Roberts.

If you aren't excited I don't know what to tell you..

-pensblogderek

Kenny Melvin said...

YESSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSSS

ANOTHER SEASON OF GARY ROBERTS!!! SUCK IT OTTAWA AND TORONTO!

Tee said...

another year of roberts? cup = in the bag.

Dwayne said...

ALL YOUR MOMS ARE BELONG TO US!

roberts for god!

snoopyjode said...

[*siiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiigh*] and all of pittsburgh breathes a collective sigh of R-E-L-I-E-F!!!!! what FANTASTIC news.

theNick said...

the bruins and capitals released their new jerseys

http://www.uniwatchblog.com/?p=529

i guess those capital ones are better than what they have now

Kenny Melvin said...

Look at the new Bruins jerseys, they're sweet.
http://www.hockeyjournal.com/imgs/Boston%20Bruins%20Images/200706_black_jersey.png

John Tarbett said...

Hey Pensblog, I sent you an e-mail a while back with some Gary Roberts. Some of them might be alright, some others probably suck. If you still have that e-mail and there are any particular facts you thought were funny, go ahead and post them. If not, I'll keep thinking.

Jason said...

that bruins jersey is solid, i guess that'll put an end to all the worries about reebok f-ing up the classics. the caps jersey is decent, but it doesnt really look red-white-blue to me...the blue is too dark, it looks like black

Kenny Melvin said...

I agree Jason those Bruins jerseys are almost close to the classic ones. How many of you are going to go out and buy the new jersey when it comes out?

Kenny Melvin said...

Does anyone have a LGP.com account I can use?

Antonette said...

1- This post is pure brilliant. Is there at Pulitzer Prize for sports blogs? Because there should be.

2- Hell yes, another season of solid veteran leadership, even if Recchi's points might go down.

3- I am not going to buy a new jersey. As much as I like hockey, sometimes food is more important. And as someone said in an earlier CommentorBlog, the old jerseys wll probably become really cheap when the new ones come out. I just want to see what the Pens are gonna look like.

snoopyjode said...

ugh! those capitals jerseys are as boring as the ducks jerseys. the bruins jerseys look new but familiar... i like them.

snoopyjode said...

this truly is FANTASTIC FRIDAY:
roberts resigns and now my boss is letting me leave an hour early. AWESOME!

Kenny Melvin said...

Congrats Snoopyjode!!

Tiffany said...

Holy frick!!! So many things to be thankful for...

1.) An unbelievable post that has Lemieux, Quantum Leap & Back to the Future in it. Well done. (~_~)

2.) Gary FRICKIN Roberts!!!
WOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

3.) And a new pic at the top (even though I liked the old one).
Which raises a question: Is the penguin swallowing the sword or is he trying to kill himself because of the off season?

rachel said...

Guys you still have that touch even after 66 days.

I jumped out of my chair and yelled, "YESSS!" reading my text that Roberts was coming back, and my cousin thought I was going crazy.

Gary Roberts on the 66th day of offseason is staying, not a coincidence.

Tiff, I was wondering the same thing about the penguin, lol.

Kenny Melvin said...

Updated rumors from buzzontheburgh.com

I've just been told that Kovalev will either end up in Pittsburgh or Washington. The Edmonton Oilers have their sights set on Sergei Gonchar and Joni Pitkanen. Penguins are still not looking to trade Gonchar Ryan Malone will be traded. MTL, COL, CLB, EDM and Nashville have jumped to the fore front as teams that have possible interest. Eric Christensen and Colby Armstrong could be moved to help the blue line. Jarkko Ruutu is a surprising name to pop up in the rumor mill this morning. Somehow he was linked to Chicago but don't think it has any legitimacy. The Penguins have no intentions of trading Laraque. Ryan Stone could be included into any deal as it looks like there is not a place for him on the roster. The Penguins have not made a final decision whether they will qualify a offer to RFA Chris Thorburn. The Penguins and Ryan Whitney are in talks about a long term deal reports Rob Rossi.

wilsmith said...

All acceptable.

I think I can see where this story is going, but I will keep my mouth shut. Good work.

snoopyjode said...

thanks, kenny! now i'm going to celebrate the roberts news by having a drink!!! btw, i wouldn't mind seeing kovalev back in the 'burgh. there was a time when he was my favorite player (i named my dog after him) and it would be very nostalgic for me.

Tee said...

The only person I'd be really sad to see go would probably be EC, I think he's really going to develop into a solid 2nd line center in the next few years.

Mike Costa said...

Pensblog Keeps Getting Better And Better And Better, Great Post

Anonymous said...

Retarded. This site sucks nigger dick.

Kenny Melvin said...

CHERAPANOV!! CHERAPANOV!!

Textacy said...

I'd rather get Esposito, but we definitely could grab cherepanov and have some kind of crazy russian connection

Joshua said...

esposito it is boys and girls

kdrtoona said...

Huge steal in the draft... Espo!

Kenny Melvin said...

Esposito!!! Fucking outstanding

Textacy said...

fuckin' a.... sweet.

marc said...

i dont think colby will go, hes too much of a fan favorite, and hes always there to lay on the big hit and get the fans going

Kenny Melvin said...

Tomorrow's blog is going to be jam packed

Loser Chris said...

Roberts and Recchi both sign. There should be a link to that article in the online definition of "Good news/bad news".

dying alive said...

What an awesome day to be a Pens fan...

1. Roberts & Recchi re-sign
2. Shero commits armed robbery by picking up Esposito at #20
3. Hilarious Pensblog post

By the way, did anyone else hear Savarn's interview with Roberts on Sportsbeat? Gary had MANY nice things to say about the city of Pittsburgh and Pens fans.

I <3 Gary Roberts.

bryan said...

"i could never see myself wearing that sweater" - gary roberts with tim benz on being signed by ottawa.

i love that man.

Jason said...

what a steal getting esposito, but at some point you have to wonder what the hell they're gonna do with all these centers. theyve gotta get some wingers eventually

Jason said...

anybody else realize that thorburn was traded for a draft pick?

Jonny V said...

Is the Tim Benz interview up on the net? Was it a podcast thingy or in print?

bluzdude said...

You guys are f'n brilliant, man. Can't wait for the next one.

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