Friday, July 13, 2007

Adam and Derek direct themselves toward Oakland on the Boulevard.
After receiving a message from Franco Harris, they must go back to find out it's meaning.
They set the DeLorean to June 1985 as they slam on the gas.


Boulevard of the Allies
June 2, 1985....

The boys are stuck in gridlock.

Adam: Dude, traffic sucks even in 1985. What is going down there?
Just before he got set on fire, Franco told us to find our way to Grant Street

Derek: No clue.
Yeah, man. This is mud. What are we doing?

Franco wanted us to get to Grant Street on this exact day.
Break out the laptop and let's see what we can find.

Derek: That wasn't even in last week's script.

Adam: I know.

Derek: Wait a minute.
It's 1985. Al Gore didn't invent the Internet yet.

Adam: Wrong.
Al Gore is immortal. He created the Internet in all times, people just don't know it.

Derek: Nice.
Okay, let's see what's going on.

They log-on to Neil's Wikipedia page....



[ Information retrieved from WIKIPEDIA on Luke Ravenstahl's alternate 2007 laptop. ]

With the 70th pick in the 1990 NFL Draft,
the Pittsburgh Steelers selected Neil O'Donnell, quarterback, University of Maryland.

The Steelers, mired in mediocrity throughout the '80s, hitched their star to Neil's wagon.
He responded.

-- 1991 --

Neil O'Donnell and the Bubby Brister shared quarterbacking duties.
Neil completes 156 of 286 passes for 1,963.
11 TD. 7 INT.

No Playoffs.

-- 1992 --

Neil O'Donnell started taking over the start role.
He completes 185 of 313 passes for 2,283 yards.
13 TD. 9 INT.

Steelers made the playoffs, but lost 24-3 to Buffalo in the Divisional Round.

Picture: O'Donnell runs for his life.

-- 1993 --

Neil goes 270 for 486 -- 3,208.
14 TD. 7 INT.

The Steelers met with the Joe Montana-led Kansas City Chiefs in the first round.
To people born in the mid-80s, this game is a blur.
Running back Leroy Thompson was on acid.

Picture: O'Donnell about to throw for a touchdown.

People may recall a Mark Royals punt being blocked by Chief Keith Cash in the late stages of the contest when the Steelers had the game almost iced away.

Speaking of ice, it was in Joe Montana's veins as he led the Chiefs to a game-winning field goal in OT.

O'Donnell plays in the Pro Bowl.

-- 1994 --

The Steelers tear through the regular season with a 12-4 record.
Neil -- 212 of 370 for 2,443.
13 TD. 9 INT.

After dismantling the Browns in the Divisional Round, the Steelers were heavily favored against the Chargers in the AFC Championship Game.

The Steelers were down 17-13 and mounting one final drive.
O'Donnell and his army of receivers marched down the field, with tight end Eric Green carrying the workload.
Life comes down to 4th down and goal from the 3.

Neil tries to hit Barry Foster underneath, just inside the end zone. The ball is deflected away.
A wide-open Yancey Thigpen streaking across the back of the end zone goes unnoticed by Neil.

Neil and his impeccable career INTs-per-pass-attempts ratio fall 3 yards short.

-- 1995 --

3 More Yards.

Neil O'Donnell misses a few games at the beginning of the season.
The Steelers attain a 11-5 record by winning 8 consecutive games down the stretch.
A Yancey Thigpen drop in the final game could've made it 9 straight.

Neil: 246 of 416 -- 2,970.
17 TD. 7 INT.

The Steelers poop on Buffalo in the Divisional Round.
The AFC Championship Game against the Colts was unreal.
Willie Williams made a season-saving tackle.
Ernie Mills stole the show with a huge 37-yard reception at the one-yard line late in the game.

O'Donnell steals the show at Media Day at Super Bowl XXX.

In Super Bowl XXX, the Dallas Cowboys could not stop Neil O'Donnell and the Steelers.
The Steelers mounted a drive late in the game that sealed a 24-20 victory.

Picture: O'Donnell leading the furious fourth-quarter drive.

In the offseason, the Rooneys offered O'Donnell a 6-year, $220 million contract.
O'Donnell gladly accepted.

Steelers trade for Jerome Bettis in the off-season.

-- 1996 --

No other NFL teams should've shown up to play.
The Steelers go 16-0 in the regular season.

Neil O'Donnell completes 450 of 463 for 7,111 yards. 81 TDs, -3 INTs.
(Bettis drops 13 passes.)

EA Sports Madden '96 has to be recalled because SNES systems couldn't handle O'Donnell's talent.

The Steelers blow through the postseason and beat the Green Bay Packers 77 - 1 in the Super Bowl.


The next three years brought more of the same for the Steelers.
They went on to win 3 more Super Bowls with O'Donnell at the helm.

Steeler fans fell in love with O'Donnell.
He could've had any woman or man he wanted.

Neil O'Donnell's stats during these three years cannot be displayed because the English language cannot comprehend them.

On Thanksgiving Day in 1998, while driving the team for a score against the Detroit Lions, O'Donnell actually catches fire.

Following his fourth Super Bowl title that season (a game in which O'Donnell broke two laws of physics), the NFL forces O'Donnell to retire.

At the press conference announcing his retirement, the Rooneys hand the franchise over to O'Donnell.



With the 11th pick in the 2004 NFL Draft,
the Pittsburgh Steelers select Ben Roethlisberger, quarterback, University Of Miami, Ohio.

Ben leads the Steelers to a 15-1 record.

After surviving a dismal performance in the playoffs against the Jets, the Patriots come to town for the AFC Championship Game.

Ben throws a pick to Rodney Harrison.

O'Donnell, in complete dismay over Ben's poor decision-making, sells the team to relatively unknown entrepreneur Jim Balsillie.

Balsillie moves the team to Hamilton, Ontario.


In the aftermath following the Steelers' departure, a Steelers hall of fame is erected in Pittsburgh.

O'Donnell shares the Quarterback Walk of Fame with Terry Bradshaw.
This angers Neil.

He realizes he must go back in time and eliminate Bradshaw.


Traffic starts to break.....
The DeLorean reaches Grant Street.....

Adam: Holy crap

Derek: Oh, Boy......

Chapter Five:
July 19.


Kenny Melvin said...

I liked it but too few questions are getting answered, let's not have this turn into the second season of lost.

Jonny V said...

I'm taking it for what it is. I'm not expecting a serial comic from yinz, just the crazy ass shit you've been giving us. Too much stuff to mention that killed me. 77-1 over Green Bay in the Super Bowl. Breaking two laws of physics and catching fire, with accompanying photoshop. The SNES mention. Time travel should not be taken for granted I suppose.

Jonny V said...

And tiff, i usually don't compare girls to 'Roided up former professional wrestlers, but I'm pretty sure you're very similar to Lex Luger -- The Total Package.

Staff said...

Everything should be wrapped up by Mid August, but you never know


Tiffany said...

Well, I say you guys must've picked up your balls before you went back to the delorean. ;-)

Also, just wanted to say THANK YOU to everyone for being so sweet yesterday.

Tee, hahaha. How can I hit you up on AIM if you're never on?? You don't have to worry about me getting a big ego, though. My voice never sounds good enough to me.

And Jonny V, you'll have to explain that one at a later time....

Jeffry said...


Dobber said...

This series is turning into a classic, keep up the great work.

Spencemo said...

Al Gore...hahahahahahahaha.

I hope Tiff's right and you guys were able to recover your nuts.

Anonymous said...

This is awesome! I love it! What a way to go into the weekend.

Adam: Franco wanted us to get to Grant Street on this exact day. Break out the laptop and let's see what we can find.

Derek: That wasn't even in last week's script.

Adam: I know.



Tiffany said...

Spencemo, haha

Kenny Melvin said...

I also loved how O' Donnell in one year threw -3 INT's

Kenny Melvin said...

Ever want to know how to handle telemarketers?

FritoWill said...

sorry i love the story but forever ingrained into my memory is N.O. sucking in that super bowl.

snoopyjode said...

O'Donnell, in complete dismay over Ben's poor decision-making, sells the team to relatively unknown entrepreneur Jim Balsillie.
Balsillie moves the team to Hamilton, Ontario.


Jason said...

does anybody else remember watching the quarterback challenge the year o'donnell made the pro bowl?
i have this vivid memory of o'donnell, still with the full playoff beard, in hawaii getting ripped by aikman and a few other notable guys at the time. basically they were just sitting around calling him a fat ass. neil did not look pleased.

wilsmith said...

nice work.

sorry I'm a day late on this and I'm sure it's already been mentioned, but I saw that the Jeter/Cros thing was 63%-36%. those aren't exact, but the difference was less than 30%. So pretty much, that means that Crosby won, but ESPN wouldn't have it.
sounds about right.

The Worldwide Leader in Yankees and Red Sox.

Antonette said...

wilsmith, don't forget the all important american sport of nascar. What shit.

This is really fun (Jobbers), but damn, it must suck for anyone not familiar with Pittsburgh (roads, neighborhoods, etc.).

AJ said...

I find Jobbers even more compelling than the 4th season of Blossom.

nice work Pensblog... nice work.

FritoWill said...

blossom, so hot....minus the nose

Jonny V said...

I don't know why yinz hate on Franco Harris, I ate some of his donuts and they're actually pretty good...

And Terrell Owens willsmith, and Blossom's friend Six was hotter, save for the annoying talking all the time thing. Cute butt

Spencemo said...

Pfft, NASCAR...I just can't sit there and watch 40 rednecks drive in a circle, I mean an OVAL, for 4 hours...

Kenny Melvin said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Kenny Melvin said...

Nascar blows, I'd rather watch an entire Pirates's homestand than watch 10 laps of that crap.

Spencemo said...

I got to kick Franco Harris out of my seats to the symphony back in '91...

Korn said...

I accidentally sat in Franco's seat once on an airplane and he was a real dick about it.

And Blossom was fugly, her friend Six was smokin. Although I was like 14 at the time, so take that however you want.

BuzzontheTurd is saying Armstrong is on the trading block and Shero likes Malone more than Colby (WTF?!!)? Any credibility to that or is someone hopefully f-ing with them?

Jason said...

the only reason i slightly pay attention to nascar is juan pablo montoya. i want him to show those rednecks that the drivers with actual skill come from f-1

Anonymous said...

The Pgh Trib is reporting that the "Ice Bowl" might be moved to Feb. 17 instead of Jan. 1. Maybe Bettman read Empty Netters about what a mistake it would be to have it then..


wilsmith said...

has anyone here ever played pond hockey in the middle of winter? It's harsh.

ice bowl will be great, I hope it happens... take your binoculars.

Anonymous said...

Buzzontheturd -- credibility? Have you read that shitty excuse for a site before?

Jonny V said...

For you, Korn

Jenna von Oy

Anonymous said...

Wow. Jenna has some junk in that trunk.

And kenny, that link was posted on LGP today. Hmmm... thought that site sucked? Seems some people on here read it out the wazoo. I think LGP and ThePensBlog have a secret crush on each other.

Staff said...

Yea two websites can have a crush on each other. Good call.

And to Kenny's defense places other than LGP do have links.

But whatev,

We go to LGP everyday, always have.
Did you miss that part?
Some posters are douches, some posters are cool. It is a message board that is standard.

Go Pens


Kenny Melvin said...

Yeah anon I go there sometimes to check out the latest pens news and I saw that link and it was pretty funny. I have respect for some of the posters over there but some like derek said are douchebags. Anon is probably a disgruntled Bills fan tired of seeing the Scott Norwood picture.

Adrienne said...

Too much football in todays post. I couldn't keep myself reading it.

Anonymous said...

Hahah, yeah kenny, you visit LGP 'sometimes' like you play with your wank 'sometimes' and I bone your mom 'sometimes'.

I guarantee you visit LGP >5 times a day. That may be an underestimate.

But so do I.

So, we are both losers.

I just think it's funny that someone that rags on a website actually reads it a ton.

Staff... keep denying it. The Crush is evident. LGP and PensBlog are like that couple in the movies that are complete opposites and always arguing, then all of a sudden they tear off each others' clothes and bone.

Hahah. I'm just playin', ya know. It is the internet, afterall.


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