Thursday, April 26, 2007

Even before the camera lens dropped to start the broadcast, tension was building.

At 10:50, KDKA gives us a teaser about the Time 100 and something about dog food.
The deathly tone of the announcer guarantees that you'll watch the broadcast for tips on how not to die.

At 10:58, Ken Rice pulls into the KDKA parking lot.

If you've seen this car at the Giant Eagle in Homestead, you were looking at Ken Rice's vehicle.

There is nothing like flipping through channels and being enthralled by one of these criminal-investigation shows with only like 10 minutes to go in the show.
You have no idea what's going on, but you know Gary Sinise means business.

We get another teaser at 10:57 about George W. Bush dancing on the White House Lawn.
Only KDKA can jam-pack 2 hours of hard-nosed news into 30 minutes.

Powerball at 11:00
the numbers 3-3-3-3-3 Powerball: Gary Roberts.
Its go time

You want the spoken-English version of sex?
Ken Rice dominating the early seconds with the teaser of Pittsburgh being catapulted to the top of the United States' cities.

America's Most Livable City.

In the one-spot tonight:

David Highfield

Highfield takes a jobber stance up in Mt. Washington to deliver the story.
Even my grandma doesn't care about this story.

We then see some bitch take a dump on Pittsburgh.
And some dude says Pittsburgh should've been abandoned in the 1940's.

Did Highfield say restaurants, arts, restaurants? A double reference? Choke.

The next topic looks familiar. Sid on the Time 100.
But folks, when you talk steady, you talk Patrice King Brown.
She reads the story. The teleprompter catches on fire.

Signed as a free agent in 1978, PKB is sick.

Ken Rice says murder, and even my cat woke up to hear the story.
Rice with a little stutter when determining if the man used a wheelchair or walker.
Obviously, someone messed with the teleprompter.

Let's go, boys. This isn't WTAE.

But, we don't get Ken Rice's angelic voice to give us the story..
In the two hole:

Ralph Iannotti.

First huge mistake of the newscast.
Iannotti appears to be in the same place David Highfield did his story.
This can't happen. This isn't amateur hour.

Sad story about Mr. Jimmy getting murdered.
Iannotti is solid.
But he has been doing this for a while.

Iannotti's first story:
Bethlehem -- The year 0.

Nothing scares you more than 18 straight stories about death.
King-Brown tell us about carbon monoxide.
Ken Rice takes his turn with the death coverage.

Rice moves from murder and carnage to sex offenders. What a move.

John Mark Karr moved into some house in Penn Hills.

Big news that couldn't wait till the sports segment: Chartiers Valley keeps their basketball coach. Ken Rice bites his tongue.

KDKA licks the Steelers balls. Ken Rice's hands were tied.
If it was up to him, we would be watching a piece on Ponderosa Steak & Seahouse and how great it is.

Fact: In 1968 Walter Cronkite had a Ken Rice poster hanging up in his office.

And while PKB and Rice are locked in.
Their biggest threat appears...............

Jeff Verszyla.

He holds our testicles in our hand as he personally dictates what the rest of our week will be like.
Good prediction.

But what is he doing? He comes out without the jacket on?
Are you kidding? This isn't the 10:00 news on PCNC.


PKB carried the broadcast for Ken Rice in that first segment.


KDKA comes out flying in the second period.

We go straight to red-hot Stephanie Watson.

If you care about cars, sweet.
Watson interviews some jobber at the autoshow.
She tells us a magican will appear at the show:

Watson wraps it up nicely, wow.

Back to Ken Rice..

Jimmy Chang visits Mt. Washington. What a popular place.
Ken Rice pulls in a reference from the top of the broadcast saying that Chang was enjoying how livable Pittsburgh is.
Strong stuff.

If your pet eats again, it is going to die, says Ken Rice.

Jeff Verszyla puts the coat on.
And says something that isn't funny, but PKB does the cordial laugh.
Bad times.
Verszyla nearly derails everything.
Ken Rice just shakes his head.

Verszyla predicts some sunshine and shower.

God predicted Jeff Verszyla would be a loser.

Verzsyla tells you if you want to know what tomorrow night's weather is going to be, you should watch Bill Paxton's thriller "Twister."

Ken Rice bites his tongue again as the teleprompter brings across more Steelers stuff.


They were getting in the groove.


Bob Pompeani, with the smugness of a terd, comes in to wet the Steelers testicles.
Art Rooney XXII talks about nothing.
No one will even remember that.

Alan Faneca sucks.

More football.
Brady Quinn is awful.
We get 30 minutes of Darrelle Revis' highlights. You can tell how awful quarterbacks are.
Why can't anyone else see this?
The broadcast is slipping away.

Bob Pompeani makes the first and seemingly only mistake of the broadcast...
He uses the Pirates as a hanger to keep people tuned in during the commercial.
Unless Johnny Depp is involved, people turn their televisions off.


And then, finally, it happens.
The Volkswagen commercial where the guy is doing a spoken-word poem song thing.
In the former commercials, you couldn't understand what the person driving by said.
Volkswagen advertising finally realized why they weren't selling cars.
They obviously re-shot the segment, and the driver's sentence is now discernible.


Pomp comes back with a one-liner.
No idea what is going on.

KDKA gives the show to Ken Rice.
He sends us to Letterman with more charisma than Frank Abagnale.


  • Rice: 3 assists, 4 incredible segues
  • PKB: 2 saves
  • 14 stories about death
  • 11 stories about the Steelers
  • 1 awkward hand-off.
  • Get PKB some Tylenol. Her shoulders are aching.
  • Good effort but sweeps are coming up.
  • The weather man is mud.
  • Rice = money in the bank.

Day 7

In NHL tonight
Buffalo killed the Rangers

And the Ducks smoked the Canucks.

Back to basics tomorrow night.
We miss doing recaps.

11:00pm next Wednesday
Save Wendy Bell, Save the world


Anonymous said...


mats sundin said...

It's just not the same =\

Anonymous said...

F that Sundin - I laughed my ass off.

Death and taxes I think not!

In Pittsburgh you know you can count on three things:

Evening news littered with murder. A 10 minute weather that breaks down the barometric pressure. And Wet Steeler Testicles no matter the dewpoint.

Tiffany said...

Well, of course there's nothing like a good Pens' recap. Leave it to you guys, though, to make me laugh & take my mind off things. You're awesome!!!

By the way....I promise I'll watch Wednesday's 11 o'clock news. (^_~)

sara said...

you guys are amazing. i watched the newscast 2night to make sure i truly could appreciate the recap.

i also spotted the use of "restaurant" twice and verszyla's bad joke among other things...

ha. this site makes my day.

Anonymous said...

im glad i am not the only person that couldnt understand what that dude screams during that VW commercial.

oh yea. 99% chance of WTAE beating off about some pointless steelers thing, big jon burton also beating off about some pointless steeler thing,

35790000000000% of wendy bell being hot.


Steve said...

Holy shit that was funny. PKB!! Thats great.

How about the Bucco's takin one in the 16'th againt Houston? Almost at .500. We could be alot worse this year, and I only see room for improvement. And don't be afraid to bring up the Bucco's yinz guys, even if it is just to talk a little shit on them.

Good shit as usual yinz guys

Anonymous said...

i was so looking forward to the news recap and you guys didn't disappoint. awesome!

Michael said...

That was... different.

Met Coach Therrien down here in Norfolk last night. The assistants and Shero were there as well.

dying alive said...

Hilarious stuff, but it really makes me miss the recaps of the Pens games.

Are you guys going to recap the Devils/Sens game tonight? I know that Heatley jokes are retired for the year, but the number of potential lisping and sex-with-family-member jokes is astronomical.

Mike Costa said...

I Missed the News Last Night So I Fell Left Out :(

AJ said...


just wow.

Anonymous said...

Until hockey season begins again--or at least Pens training camp--write about Wendy Bell as often as possible.

loralei said...

Here's a thought... I just read on TSN that Kovy wants out of Montreal. How pretty would he look on a wing next to Sid?

The ~D said...

"Get PKB some Tylenol. Her shoulders are aching."


nicole said...

I can't believe I'm saying this but...great recap guys of the news! You continue to make me laugh! You never disappoint! the pic.

rachel said...

I'm going to be looking at the 11 o'clock news in a whole, new way now, haha. Thanks guys!

Tiff, great photoshop!

Brian said...

That was fantastic. Keep up the good work!

Anyways, has anyone seen this:

I just saw it today so I hope it's not old, but dear god is it great. Keven Stevens and Bryan Trottier absolutely BERATING Brian Bellows.

karri said...

Guys, love your humor...the news...hahahaha...great recap!

Btw...don't know if anyone saw this..."Executive Vice President and General Manager Ray Shero announced that Penguins defenseman Ryan Whitney underwent successful surgery Thursday on his wrist."

Another one playing hurt.

The ~D said...

The best part about that legendary Stevens/Trottier/Bellows video is the stage. As far as I can tell it was captured during the 90-91 finals.

There are so few video (or audio) captures of on-ice conversations. Why can't there be a pay-per-view network/channel that utilizes on-ice mic's? Could you imagine listening to something other than the bass from checks into glass? I would gladly pay for that premium service. Mike Lange announcing...Crosby telling everyone to fuck day chat on the powerbook. I can dream can't I?

Scott said...

just about as solid as a recap can get

rachel said...

Karri, I heard before about Whitney's wrist bothering him and having to miss a couple practices. Thanks for that link, too. Hopefully, his rehab will all go well and we'll see him back for training camp! Here's the PG's report...

Penguins defenseman Ryan Whitney had surgery on his left wrist yesterday after he experienced chronic and increasing pain during the season. He is expected to need six to eight weeks of rehabilitation and should be ready for the start of training camp. Whitney, 24, had 59 points to tie for sixth among NHL defensemen.

Derek, I have been dreaming of a game with all the players mic'd up unedited for so long. I'll guess will just have to live with reading their lips for now.

Doug said...

Will there be any coverage of WTAE tonight. My "cousin" Andrew Stockey was money with his exercise for better sex story. I must ask though, did anyone see Wendy Bell's reaction? It would look like her and Andrew might have a little something

Anonymous said...

i was too busy watching the story of christ on versus.

i mean, the story of mario lemieux on versus.

i think the show was called fearless.



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