Tuesday, April 10, 2007

Tuesday's gonna fly.
And then we'll wake up Wednesday morning and vomit.
The playoffs in any sport are exciting.
But the NHL is a whole different story.
These are the days of playoff beards.
The days where if your team loses, you contemplate swerving into traffic on I-79.
Days of anticipation lead into the joy of the opening faceoff.
Nights of joy lead into unspeakable horror.
These are the playoffs.

Let's kick the tires and light the fires.


Our picks mean nothing.

A conference that we know absolutely nothing about.

We get all our info about the West from NHLDigest.com...
...and the Haitian from Heroes.

He knows.

#8 Calgary - # 1 Detroit
43 - 29 - 10 (96 pts) --------------- 50 - 19 - 13 (113 pts)
Season Series: Tied 2-2.

Detroit battled for the President's Trophy this season.
They won it last year...and lost to Edmonton in the first round.
The only team to give up fewer goals than Dominik Hasek and the Red Wings (199) this year was Minnesota (191).
Calgary will play with Miikka Kiprusoff and the support of Canada behind them.
Not to mention the 19,289 Flames fans all wearing the dark-red jerseys at home.
Can Hasek be broken? Yes.
Can Detroit's defense be broken? No.

Adam: Detroit
Derek: Calgary
Chris: Detroit
Nick: Detroit

Blog for info: The Battle for Alberta

# 7 Minnesota - #2 Anaheim
48 - 26 - 8 (104 pts) ----------------- 48 - 20 - 14 (110 pts)
Season Series: Tied 2-2.

Remember way back when...
The Anaheim Ducks and Buffalo Sabres sprinted out of the gate this season?
Well, Anaheim is still pretty good.
The intimidation factor of Pronger and Neidermayer on the blue line is vital.
Unfortunately, it's hard to think Minnesota will be intimidated.
On the shoulders of no-name goalie Niklas Backstrom (best GAA in NHL but in only 41 games), the Wild have coasted into a playoff spot.
If Wild coach Jacques Demers' trap is executed to perfection, the Wild will pull off the biggest upset in Minnesota since Gordan Bombay in District 5.

Will Banks and Conway be enough?

Adam: Anaheim
Derek: Anaheim
Chris: Anaheim
Nick: Anaheim

Blog for info: Wild Puck Banter

#6 Dallas - #3 Vancouver
50 - 25 - 7 (107 pts) ------------------ 49 - 26 - 7 (105 pts)
Season Series: Tied 2-2.

Will Roberto Luongo make a final push for MVP?
Vancouver joins Calgary and Ottawa as the only Canadian teams making it into the playoffs.
Vancouver's PK was in the top 10 all season.
Dallas only allows 25 shots per game; second-best in the NHL (Detroit).
Dallas' two big names, Mike Modano and Sergei Zubov, get the senior discount at Denny's.

Due to recent playoff performances, the Stars have a trained Heimlich Maneuver expert on-hand this year in case goalie Marty Turco chokes again.

Adam: Vancouver
Derek: Vancouver
Chris: Vancouver
Nick: Vancouver

Blog for info: Canucksblog


#5 San Jose - #4 Nashville
51 - 26 - 5 (107 pts) ------------------ 51 - 23 - 8 ( 110 pts)
Season Series: Nashville won 3-1.

The hangup on Nashville (and Detroit, for that matter) is that they get to beat up on Chicago, Columbus, and St. Louis 24 times each season.
San Jose stood tall all season against the likes of the Dallas Stars and Anaheim in the Pacific Division.

Yeah, they stood tall.
Laugh it up dicks.

Nashville's record ( 51 - 23 - 8 ) is a mirage.
Their true colors will show when they are pushed by battle-tested San Jose...who beat Nashville 4 games to 1 in the first round last season -- It wasn't even close.

The only wild card stopping a definite repeat of last season's playoff debacle is the addition of Peter Hospital-Bed Forsberg.

Tip: Tell your shift manager at Hooters that you'll be able to work full-time soon.

Adam: San Jose
Derek: Nashville
Chris: San Jose
Nick: San Jose

Blog for info: The Battle of California


Predicting the Eastern Conference playoff race is as easy as trying to figure out if Don Cannon is drunk on the five-o'clock news.

Downtown Don Cannon is drunk in this picture.


The NHL is Parity City when it comes to the playoffs.

#8 Islanders - #1 Buffalo
40 - 30 - 12 (92 pts) ---------- 53 - 22 - 7 (113 pts)
Season Series: Buffalo won 3-1

This series is great for tons of reasons. The most important reason is that it guarantees us at least 11 more days of Ted Nolan jokes. That is good enough for us.

Speaking of Sitting Coach, how ironic is it that he is playing against the team that jobbed him?
Buffalo was unreal from the start, and even though their JV team played almost all the games, they still won the President's Trophy.
The Islanders may be the biggest bunch of names in the playoffs.
Yashin, Satan, Smyth, Blake...are big-time players, but they aren't as good as they should be.

Buffalo is far superior in the aspect of playing to their potential and beyond.
The Isles don't even know if Ricky DiPietro will be playing.
Instead, the whole world lays on the shoulders of goalie Wade Dubielewicz.
Sure -- Ryan Miller's left ball has more talent, but there is something magical about the unknown goalie in the playoffs (i.e. Johan Hedberg).
Buffalo has all the pressure. The Isles are just happy to be there. It will be a hell of a series.

How do you spell upset?


Derek: Islanders
Adam: Islanders
Chris: Buffalo
Nick: Buffalo


#7 Tampa Bay - #2 New Jersey
44 - 33 - 5 (93 pts) ----------- 49 - 24 - 9 (106 pts)
Season Series: Tampa Bay won 3-1

Playing the Devils in playoffs is more intimidating than Jack Arnold -- the dad from "The Wonder Years."

He only smiled four times during the show's 6 seasons.

Two teams could not be more different. Their only similarity is their love of men.
The Lightning have maybe the most dangerous playoff duo in Martin St. Louis and My Cousin Vinny Lecavalier.
The Devils have the most dominating goalie of our generation.
If you go by the stats, this series is all Devils, all the time.
But this isn't the old NHL. These series are nearly impossible to call.
Its feels like Upset City, but you got to think Tampa's goalie is easier than Ottawa coach Byran Murray's daugther.
Unless Marty Brodeur turns into a chicken, Devils win in 5 despite Claude Julien's blood on their visors.

Derek: Devils
Adam: Devils
Chris: Tampa Bay
Nick: Devils


#6 Rangers - #3 Atlanta
42 - 30 - 10 (94 pts) -------------- 43 - 28 - 11 (97 pts)
Season Series: Atlanta won 3-1.

This series really doesn't have a lot of history or bad blood.
Atlanta won the Southeast division, but the Rangers aren't fooled.
The Rangers are warriors from the back alleys of the Atlantic division -- the only division in the NHL sending four teams to the playoffs.
The Rangers are one of the hottest teams in the league while Atlanta has a lot of pressure on them to do something in the playoffs.
But you talk pressure, you talk Jaromir Jagr in New York City.

Anyone care to bet against Jaromir Jagr in the Stanley Cup Playoffs?

Derek: Atlanta
Adam: Rangers
Chris: Rangers
Nick: Rangers


Pens - Sens
Preview on Tuesday Night

We've talked to SensUnderground.com about doing some blog-vs.-blog activities for the series; something along the lines of the mayors of Super Bowl teams betting on stuff and just having fun with it.

We contacted them April 5th and got an e-mail in response saying they were interested.
That was probably before they visited the site and saw Bryan Murray getting peed on in a Photoshop or something.

Our guess is we're gonna be jobbed.

From their website. The trash talking has begun.


Anonymous said...

A reference to The Wonder Years is golden!

Anonymous said...

Travis Roy returns..wow

sara said...

it's late and i'm too lazy to find a link, but on the news 2night there was mention that the colorado avalanche were complaining to the NHL because they think there should be a playoff series conducted between the 7-10th seeds or something to that matter.

drum roll please....

Gary Bettman: "No."

looks like some teams just can't accept losing. love it.

karri said...

Hey guys...thanks for your first round picks for the playoff brackets...I’m hoping to win “A 1991 Penguins puck signed by the entire Pensblog Staff”...

I'm using your choices, comparing them with Steeltown Mike's post at http://www.burghsportsguys.com/
where he lists the 2006-2007 season shots-on-goal differential, and then turning to http://sports.espn.go.com/nhl/
_john&id=2830880 (link-courtesy of Jon) to get John Buccigross picks.

After digesting all of these stats, I think I'll pull the teams names out of a brown paper bag. I really want that 1991 puck signed by you guys! ;)

Louis Lipps is my homeboy said...

I think if Ottawa wins the best, you should send them a case of Iron City Beer.

If we win the best, they should send you guys a real live Eskimo!!

They have those in that part of Canada right?

Geeves said...

how can "we know nothing about the western conference" turn into a bold statement like "nashville's record is a mirage"?

so is san jose's. those who pick anaheim and san jose will regret it.

Jon said...

Come on Karri, you have to use a little bit of scientific reasoning when you're making pics. For instance, I'm taking the mean average of each city's 18-35 population that listens to hard rock, adding the number of that city's mayor's age, adding that to the number of mullets sported by females of that city (per capita) and dividing that whole number by the age of that city's arena. Naturally I came up with the Penguins winning the Stanley Cup this year. You heard it here first folks...

Tiffany said...

Yay!! The return of The Mighty Ducks & Harry Connick Jr.!!! ”Hold me.”...hehe. That’s what we’re all gonna be sayin’, though, watchin’ these games.
Btw, thinkin’ about those playoff brackets are drivin’ me crazy. :-S Plus, I’m in a quandary as to what prize to pick (if by some miracle I happen to make the right choices). It’s between the signed ‘91 hockey puck & a signed picture of you guys...

P.S. Jon, you & The Pensblog...always make me laugh. ^ŮŽ^

Staff said...


FritoWill said...

Carlos Mencia (Ian Mendes) stole that material from every other f'ing hockey writer.

The one thing people outside this blog (and small parts of the city) is the emotion of our fans. Within the last couple of months I am quickly learning that I am not the only crazy, lunitac fan of the pens.

Its spreading just like the Indians fans spread in the movie Major League. Watching the cup cermony at 3 rivers got me going even more.

Its the playoffs boys, bring out all the material, the Heatly jokes, the gay jokes, in fact bring out the your momma's so fat jokes.

FritoWill said...

and then i read this

"Martin Gerber is Mr. Good Luck in the Stanley Cup playoffs. In his first season with a new team, Gerber has been the backup for a team that went to the Stanley Cup Finals. In his first season in Anaheim, he was behind J.S. Giguere as the Ducks went to the Finals. In his first season with Carolina, he backed up Cam Ward to the Stanley Cup championship. In his first year with Ottawa... well, you get the picture"

a writer for a canidian based team has to use this for a reason his team will beat the pens and win the cup. Are you serious?

EmDubs said...

ha ha, my dad calls Don Cannon "Drunk Don."

AndrewGurn said...

Nice post.

I am so FRICKIN' EXCITED for Wednesday that I just urniated myself. It's going to be so sweet when we win thanks to the fact our third line jobbers are the finest in the league. I'm calling it now: Rutuu will have more points this series than Heatly (Of course, I base this assumption on the fact that Heatly will be in traffic court most of the series)..

dying alive said...

Will - I heard that our locker room guys beat up their locker room guys, so the Cup is ours!

Jon - the femullets at Pens games are brutal. I think I speak for every non-mulletted woman in the city of Pittsburgh when I say STOP THE INSANITY. They're dragging down our per capita attractiveness average.

Dwayne said...

For every femullet that exists, it takes 20 near-super-models to offset it.

'Tis truly a formidable foe.

Gavin said...

Jack Arnold = greatest TV dad ever. Who do you think would win in a staring contest between Jack Arnold and Gary Roberts? It would be intensity in ten cities, one of the scariest events in history rivaling Mr. T and Rocky before the second fight in "Rocky III" and Lincoln Hawk and Bull Hurley in "Over the Top".

After seeing Michael Therrien out on Saturday night, I'd also like to throw him into the mix - he's not particularly smiley either. He's like unfrozen caveman coach, but I'm pretty sure it is all a front to disguise that he's a strategic mastermind. It needs to be Wednesday...

Louis Lipps is my homeboy said...

One thing I didn't notice about Pittsburgh until I left:

Not only do several females there have mullets, but a large proportion of them talk EXACTLY like my 70-year-old aunt who's been smoking since she was 14. Age of the female in question has nothing to do with this phenomenon.

Louis Lipps is my homeboy said...

By the way, the Penguins should do a joint promotions thing with the Pirates and borrow their motto:

"The Pittsburgh Penguins: We Will..... make you forget about the inevitable demise of the Pirates for a few more months!"

Loser Chris said...

Travis Roy is back! That has to be the blog equivalent of a blossoming playoff beard.

Any truth to the rumor that Jack Arnold is actually Mark Eaton's dad?

"those who pick anaheim and san jose will regret it."
I couldn't agree more. I actually have the Wild winning the Cup in my bracket.

Steve In Denver said...

If you want to jump into that Ottawa Carlos Mencia site and leave comments, you have to log in, requiring a Canada address. You'll need a province code to do that...here's a sample you can use: Y1A 2C6. I live in the Yukon province now! Now it's time to bash away.

dying alive said...

I'm way too lazy to bother registering to post in that blog, but someone who isn't may want to point out that the Pens play on the powerplay more (most penalties for in the league) and the penalty kill more (9th most penalized team in the league) than the Senators, which translates to fewer minutes in 5-on-5 situations. It stands to reason that their 5-on-5 goals would suffer for it, but everyone seems to be touting that stat as if every team in the league plays 60 minutes of full strength hockey every game. Analyze the amount of time that each team spends 5-on-5 vs. goals scored and I think that the stat would probably be a little less lopsided. But again, I'm too lazy to actually run the numbers myself, and I hate math so I could be talking out of my ass right now.

The love those people have for Emery is as humorous as it is puzzling. You'd think he was Patrick Roy or Martin Brodeur the way the Ottawa fans are building him up. They fear The Flower.

Tiffany said...

Forgot to say this earlier....when you guys mentioned Dubielewicz in your post...looked at his name & saw "doobie." =) I'm simple, I know.

And just to let everyone, who was talkin' about mullets, know...you had me laughin' so hard my stomach hurt. Thanks for bringin' it up, Jon. You love stirring that fondue pot, don't you??

"'Tis truly a formidable foe."...haha.

Jon said...

'Tis indeed, and double that when they're dressed in head-to-toe denim and reeking of Marlboro Reds. It makes me shudder. And Roberts' intensity is matched only with Dan Lauria's Jack Arnold and Michael McDonald's impression of John Ramsey on Mad TV.

Sarah said...

a few comments...
1.) NO KERRY FRASER?!!? But his hair is so awesome
2.) From the banner that you guys posted from the Sens blog "Pens suck!!" how original. At least you guys creatively trash the Sens.
3.) To every team that has to play us....GO AHEAD & under-estimate us...we hope you enjoy your trip to the golf course this summer.
Go Pens.

EmDubs said...

Hooray! Demolition has begun for the new arena!


Anonymous said...

FSN back for the playoffs. they're blacking out versus here.

it's in Smizik's column today:

Christina said...

let's not forget that Kerry Fraser is the one who jobbed Lord Therrien last time he was in the playoffs with the Habs....

major props for The Wonder Years reference...that was some quality TV.

Anonymous said...

Bryan Murray is a douche...


Loser Chris said...

So basically Murray has told his team to sit back and let the Pens take the first swing... nice!

Anonymous said...

Exactly, instead of worrying about what his own team is doing, hes just going to tell them to sit around and do whatever we are doing. Great input from an even greater coach.

John said...

ESPN's John Buccigross picks the Pens to win in 6. And he actually knows what he's talking about.

Go Pens

Anonymous said...

"I'm glad it's the Pens instead of the Devils. I'm anxious to see how many of their rookies fold under the pressure. Defense and goaltending wins championships and the Penguins are purely offensive with an unproven playoff goalie, whereas the Sens are pretty good in both categories. Emery will step up to the challenge. GO SENS GO!!"

hahaha these Sens fans need to quit fooling themselves, then again, let the stupid fans and team think this is going to be an easy series, it will just make it that much easier for the pens!! The Pens are already in Emery's head, its going to be an awesome series!! LETS GO PENS!!!

Anonymous said...

The Sens have all the pressure on them to win, and everyone is doubting our young squad just as they have doubted them and made excuses all year about how theyre not as good as they are actually playing. Pressure + Choke artists = Pens advancing to second round

dying alive said...

I can't wait to watch Emery implode and see how quickly all of Ottawa is calling for his head.

Murray is an assclown.

Anonymous said...

All the media is talking about is how young and inexperienced the Penguins are along with the not yet proven defenders like Scuderi Melichar and Nasy...Paul Stanton, Peter Taglianetti, Gordie Roberts...these defenders were deemed unproven and they won the cup. The Sens in the playoffs are bigger choke artist than Cowher in the AFC Championship Games.

karri said...

"Fraser will not referee in playoffs" - very nice!

But what about - Referees Paul Devorski, Don Koharski, Bill McCreary, and Rob Shick.

Or Linesemen Greg Devorski,
Scott Driscoll, and Brad Kovachik.

Anyone else uncomfortable with these guys?

Steve said...

Georges LaRaque is gonna be arrested for manslaughter by the end of the Playoffs this year. Just you wait.

I'm just afraid that if we get into a game 7, Mark Eaton will supernova and kill everyone within a 10 mile area. Fingers crossed.

karri said...


Staff said...

Wow...this should be in a post somewhere:

If the Pens make a deep run in the playoffs, everyone's gonna say they were a surprise team.
No, idiots.
It's just that the experts want to keep their jobs and go with safe picks.
If people would pick the Pens, they wouldn't be a surprise at all.
The Pens weren't 3 points away from the division title for nothing.

With the whole San Jose/Anaheim debate...that's what being a human being with a mind is all about.

I just love that we don't get complaints about picking the Islanders in an upset or making fun of paraplegics.

-- adam

Anonymous said...

"Georges LaRaque is gonna be arrested for manslaughter by the end of the Playoffs this year. Just you wait."

He can get some pointers on legal defense from Dany Heatley.

Anonymous said...

Someone should tell Bruce Garrioch to lighten up on the eclairs before his big head collapses down that fat neck of his.

Jason said...

everyone in the media is talking about how MAF has no playoff experience (especially the canadians). That may be true, but he did play in the world juniors and pretty much had the hopes of an entire nation resting on him. Some may say he choked in the finals, but thats not really the point....he's been in high pressure situations before and learned from his mistakes. I think he'll be fine.

Anonymous said...

I'm calling the pens in 4 and emery goes down with a strained scrotum on a 1 timer from malkin to seal their fate.

Anonymous said...

I'm calling the pens in 4 and emery goes down with a strained scrotum on a 1 timer from malkin to seal their fate.

Steve said...

Just think, if Gonch had just 3 more points we would have the highest scoring offensive player, rookie player, and defensive player. Wow.

The Sens don't know who they are fucking with.

Anonymous said...

I heard a rumor that the Pens are going to have either a "blackout" or a "whiteout" at their home playoff games?? Is there any truth to that because I love when teams have the crowd do that...

Staff said...

i hope they have that.

it would be disgusting. a blackout would be so intimidating.


Anonymous said...

On a side note, the Flowers got jobbed in the draft lottery today! I got my dartboard ready for some intermission fun. It has Heatley, Alf, and Bryan Murray, with Heatley's missing teeth as the bullseye.

Lets go Pens, F The Sens.

Anonymous said...

So I've finally tracked down all the patches for this 92 Pens jersey, but now I don't know where the hell to take it to get them professionally sewn on. Will the ProShop at a local rink do that kind of thing? I want to avoid sending it away if I can. Any suggestions?

I am also a big fan of the "blackout" idea. The "whiteout" would probably look better on tv...but a Blackout is just tits.


Anonymous said...

In other news, it appears that Canadian's official jerk-ass Don Cherry will be gracing the United States with his well-informed, politically correct commentary.



Anonymous said...



Anonymous said...

Adam, what part of the city are you in? There's KO Sports in Canonsburg, House 'o Hockey in Monroeville, and a place in Ambridge...I can't remember the name. It's where the Pens send their uniforms, someone else here probably knows it.

Anonymous said...

I live in Greentree so I'm pretty close to everywhere.


Adrienne said...

Buffalo, Tampa, Atlanta, Pittsburgh

Detroit, Minnesota, Vancouver, San Jose


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